(my parents about 2 years ago)
yesterday russ had some real but painful moments of lucidity for my family. he slept on and off most of the day. it was saturday and i explained why i think that happens. he has only spoken of my mother about a handful of times in the past year. the first time he brought her name up i literally became sick to my stomach because he asked where she was. this was about 3 months ago after not speaking her name or remembering her in about 8 months.
he has not been able to identify her in pictures for almost a year now. sometimes he will act like she is not in a picture and other times he will ask who she is. i have found it's less upsetting to him if i just say "that's someone you knew who was pretty special" than trying to explain she was his wife, my mother, etc and watch him get upset that he can't remember that he was ever married, much less to my mom.
anyway, i stammered for awhile the first time russ asked where she was and i just told him she wasn't there. if he truly remembered her at that moment for who she was to him i couldn't see subjecting him to the pain of her death all over again. fortunately that answer pacified him and the subject was dropped. another time he wondered "where she was" when i said she wasn't there so i lied and said she was playing bridge (something she loved to do) and again he stopped with his questions.
yesterday russ asked the same question, but to mark, and when i was out of the room. mark ignored russ at first because he wanted time to think of how to respond. russ asked again and mark replied "gene who?" mark said he then felt bad because russ spent about the next 30-60 seconds trying to speak and finally russ said "hubby." mark then remembered what i had told him to say and that again pacified russ temporarily. russ must have thought a lot about gene yesterday because he asked me 2 more times during the day. fortunately simple answers satisfied him both times.
a part of me feels guilty for my responses yet i do know it's for the best. it's that i just feel like i'm brushing off her existence when i do. that is certainly not how i feel about her. i would love nothing more that to sit down and talk about my mom to russ, how wonderful she was and how much i miss her every day. to reminisce about the times we spent as a family and even cry together. but i know i can't and never will be able to. i must and will continue to answer him the way i have been. i feel terrible that i pray that he stops asking as well.
fortunately for my family, russ did not remember today......
8 comments:
Bless tour heart Nancy. This is the kind of thing that just tears my heart out. Spouces not remembering Life-Time mates? Parents not remembering their own Children? This may be the cruelest part of this Disease.
I hope when the time comes, if it comes (if Mom outlives her Husband) I will know intuitively what to do, and what to say. Painful stuff. You are doing an outstanding job Nancy.
I told my girlfriend's Daughter recently what a great Mom she was. She was feeling overwhelmed, having a "2" Year-Old, and a "4" Year-Old. She is a typical young Mother, and feeling unsure of her abilities.
I told her without a shadow of a doubt that she "IS" a "GREAT" Mother, because she is Loving, and Kind & Patient? What more could a child want?
I say the same to you dear Nancy. You are a wonderful Daughter too!
That is just so heartbreaking. You really have no choice but to lie. He will understand when they are together again and will be grateful that you did the kindest thing for him. For now, your mom is looking over you and understands that you are doing this out of love.
Oh Nancy, how heartbreaking! But please realize, you did the right thing. Putting Russ through the initial shock and grief of losing his wife would be cruel. What is so sad to me is you are the one feeling such pain and sadness ten times over while trying to spare Russ.
Give Mark a hug for me - he is a great guy!
thank you all for your kind word. i am sitting here with tears running down my face as i read your comments. you do understand how cruel this damn disease is that it can rob someone of not remembering their spouse of 56+ years. forget that he doesn't remember me anymore but to forget my mom is unconsciousable to me.
Mom remembers my dad, she just can't remember what happened to him so we relive his passing a lot. At night she will cry because she misses him. It's just awful.
Your Mom was beautiful. She and Russ look so happy together.
*hugs* Nancy I am so sorry my friend. I think if you have a good imagination you might be able to close your eyes and imaging the wonderful conversation you and Russ would have about your mom if you could. You would laugh about the fun times, and you would cry about the sad ones. You would hold each others hands and both of you would know just what you were thinking. You and I both know it would be a beautiful moment, and there is no reason why your thoughts of this non-existent moment cant be beautiful as well.
This makes me glad I never knew my Nonno (nonna's husband) because when she asks about who he is I just simply say I never met him. It makes me sad she cant tell me stories about him anymore but I can still hold on to the ones I remember. He was a good man who worked way to hard to earn way to little amounts of money for his family. Hold on to what you remember about both your parents my friend. In the future you can then tell your children and grandchildren about them.
thanks robyn for your comments. you're right, my mom was beautiful, both inside and out!
stef, you are wise beyond your years. your comment was so heartfelt and comforting. it's hard to believe you are only 20 years old. thank you so much friend!!! i hope things are better today for you. (((hugs)))
Ever so often dad used to just blurt out 10-12-13. I knew it was my mom's birth date. I just couldn't understand why he would say it.
Then when he was diagnosed I finally understood that he wasn't saying it to me but to himself. He was desperately trying to hold on to her memory and that was one of his coping mechanisms.
Another was their wedding photo that still hangs in the hall just outside their bedroom. We would always stop there and he would tell me about her and how they met.
We haven't stopped to look at that photo since sometime last year. I still look at it though.
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