Friday, August 31, 2007

am i being tested?


russ had a somewhat restless night but i guess it could have been worse. he did vomit one more time late last night. this morning his sheets were drenched from sweat and he has been cold and clammy most of the day. it is also apparent to me he has no idea what is happening around him. it is as if he is gone, yet i can see his bodily presence.

janine came this morning and ended up giving him a suppository. there were minimal results a few hours later. she will be back in the morning to do another check on him.

russ has slept most of the day. at least he seems peaceful. until late in the day, he would take nothing by mouth. his lips were starting to look dry and chapped and i fear dehydration. late afternoon and early evening he took in about the equivalent to one slice of watermelon and maybe 10-12oz. of water.

his breathing continues to be shallow and rapid and his heartbeat is fast. janine is not really sure what is going on, it's so hard when russ can't verbalize. best guesses are that the vomiting is from constipation or some bug or virus he picked up.

how long will it last and will he get better is anyone's guess right now. i have always thought and said that i will let whatever happens, happens. i still feel that way for today but i know that if russ doesn't show signs of improvement it will be hard. i pray that i will stay strong in my convictions as that is what i think and know that russ would want.

what is also hard is when i am asked questions as to what is happening with him. i don't have the answers as i know does anyone yet i feel that people expect me to. i guess i just feel so helpless and inadequate because i don't have the answers. all i know is that russ still has the most vacant look on his face that i have seen to date. his color is a little better today but his eyes look dark and gaunt.

i just pray that he remains comfortable and that the Lord sees fit to end russ' suffering if he is not to get better. i don't like being tested like this and i pray that i can remain strong for however long that will be.

5 comments:

SKYGIRL said...

Oh Nancy....You are like a...Saint? I hope I never lose contact with you? I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you, and I hope that my asking "How is Russ today" did not add to your pain?

One of my first thoughts (and I checked my fridge too!) is that they are doing a recall of "Spinach" again? Mine is fine, but the Adult Day Care Center? You might check. The brand is listed on CNN.

It does seem cruel, that our LO's with AD, can suffer from anything...else? But they are not exempt, just like a person with a Chronic Illness, is not. It doesn't seem...fair?

But my precious Mother, who can barely tie her own shoes, was the one to tell me, not to expect Life to be fair? Isn't it ironic?

If it is any consolation, I feel because, this happened so suddenly, that Russ, will rally, and get back to his 'norm' I don't know why, Nancy, but this is what I feel sure of.

Please keep the faith. I'll be thinking & praying for you both.

N.Mc.

nancy said...

thanks for your kind words. and no i don't mind people asking how russ is, i just feel so helpless because i can't really explain what is going on. knowing that others care really helps actually.

Lori1955 said...

I am so sorry Russ is not doing well. I really hope it is just a bug of some kind.

I understand what you are saying about letting things happen. I was talking about this with the hospice nurse today. I am so used to when Helen has something wrong that she goes in the hospital and gets fixed. To have them send her home with this blood clot was hard.

It is ironic that we pray that God will take them and yet when something happens we rally to save them. I also know that look you are talking about. You and Russ are always in my prayers.

Unknown said...

Just checking in to see how Russ is doing and how you're holding up as well.

~Betsy said...

I know this is so hard for you Nancy, but you are being such a good advocate for Russ. If he could talk, I am certain he would tell you how much he loves and appreciates you. You are a wonderful daughter.