rollercoaster ride

i really feel like i'm on a rollercoaster ride this past week. when i arrived at the hospice unit this morning russ was sleeping and i was told he had had no BM during the night but slept well. (i later learned he did have a small BM during the night but definitely not enough considering what i imagine must still be up there).i noticed he did not have his oxygen on and the nurse told me that last evening they had him out by the nurses station and he didn't seem to need it so they kept it off. a good sign right?

well russ slept most of the morning and just didn't look good to me. when i could get him to open his eyes, he just stared right through me. i'm not sure he even recognized my voice. his cognitive level has definitely deteriorated.

i had a good honest talk with his home hospice nurse janine today. she stopped to see him at the unit and could hardly arouse him and when he did wake, he had the same blank stare. she got me to start thinking about when he comes home, he will still be appropriate for day care? is it really good or fair to russ if he is sleeping almost 24/7? she also asked me if i thought russ would ever ask for food or drink the way he was now, or if he would just sleep? did i really want to try to encourage and force feed him? these are some hard questions i need to start thinking about. it was a good talk and one i will have to ponder how russ would answer them. for now i will take it one day at a time and just worry about him pooping so he can get home.

the doctor made rounds and decided to start him on a bowel regimen since he really hasn't started to move things on his own. he was given a suppository at noon but as of 9pm no results.

russ ate some scrambled eggs for breakfast but refused lunch and ate only a few bites of melon for dinner.

late afternoon russ woke up and was fairly awake again. we listened to music and he would perk up when he heard the saxophones playing. he feet were also tapping to the beat. a total different person. my sister arrived in the evening with my niece and he even ate quite a few bites of a pasta salad she brought.

i was able to get him to walk twice again today. bob stopped by late afternoon and we got him to walk and this evening my sister, niece and i got him up. he was even smiling when sue and kristen were there. when we put him to bed after his evening walk, the nurse pointed out that his knees were mottled and cold. this is frequently seen when the cardiovascular system is compromised and the bodily systems start to shut down. his heart has never been an issue for russ but then again.......this is usually a sign one see's when the end is getting near. his lips and mouth appeared blue, so the oxygen went back on.

this rollercoaster ride is showing such drastic dips and turns. i wonder when will it end and coast for awhile or will it come suddenly to a halt? only God knows the answer to that. i pray for strength for me and peace for russ.