i havn't posted in a few days because as lori said in her post today, i don't know what to say. i feel like my life is in a holding pattern, waiting for the light to change. when it is green, i feel like i am going through the motions yet feeling numb, and still on autopilot, doing what seems natural and comfortable to me. yet at the end of the day, you ask me what i did or what conversations i may have had, and i couldn't really tell you. most of the time i feel like i'm in between the yellow and red light. my life is moving cautiously or at a standstill. i have no motivation or energy. i still feel so tired and exhausted all the time.
then i feel somewhat guilty. i know in the whole scheme of things the time since my mom died (19 months ago) and russ was moved down here is small. i think of how much longer friends like lori or flinty had to live life experiencing AD on a day to day basis compared to me. then i wonder if i should be getting on with things like they seem to be, yet i'm not.
i know everyone is different and adjusts to life and situations differently, but i wish someone could tell me when will i snap out of my own fog? when will my life return to what i once knew it to be? or will it ever? i'm not looking for sympathy, just thinking out loud....
11 comments:
Hey Nancy - there are no rules, no right or wrong, no time limits.
Doing what seems natural and comfortable is not so bad. Life is going to change and there will be new challenges to consider.
Glad you and Lori and Betsy and all the others I follow have posted though because I think of you often.
Many blessings.
I'm right there with you sweetie.
I am getting on with things though because I have no choice. I think perhaps I have it a bit easier too because I had a definite plan for my life after AD.
As for getting your life back to what it used to be. I don't think that will ever happen. Being caregivers has forever changed us. Maybe that's part of the problem. We can't go back, we have to move forward. We've been stagnant for so long that we don't know how.
Nancy, I think Lori said it pretty well. You've all been stuck in a holding pattern for so long, now that there's nothing to do, you're still jumping at the slightest noise, waking at odd hours, looking for something to happen. Exhaustion can put a halt to everything. Once you're able to catch up on some sleep, you might begin to feel a bit more like yourself. As far as how long...I think it depends on you, when you're ready to move forward, and when your body tells you it's ready as well. I'll keep you in my thoughts. ((HUGS))
I miss you. :(
Give yourself time Nancy. Like Flinty says, there are no rules and everyone is different. Take care of yourself now the way you took care of Russ. With every passing day things will get a little better. {{{hugs}}}
Oh Nancy - I'm sorry you're feeling so blue. I can only imagine.
I like the words of encouragement from the others. They make sense.
Please be gentle with yourself and get lots of rest. I remember Flinty and Lori saying how exhausted they were. You are sure to be, too. And you have earned a good rest.
Maybe heading back to work when you are ready will help. Sometimes doing the routine tasks can help.
You are still in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad you all posted - I was getting a little worried. :)
I am glad to hear from you too, dear Nancy. For some resson, I think that mourning a loved one, is the most intimate thing one can do?
Only because it is...so...personal?
There are some guide-lines, but there is no right or wrong way about it?
Support is certainly important, and being kind to yourself, "SO" important, but not, easy?
Especially when you have been putting someone elses needs, anyone elses needs, so completely in front of your own?
Be gentle with yourself, and seek counsel, if you think it is needed. I keep offering up Hospice Bereavement, as if I know what I am talking about? The truth is, I haven't experienced it, but have just heard how wonderful they are?
{{{GENTLE HUGS}}}} N.Mc.
Nancy,
I began to heal when I let go--of a time line, of a process, of an agenda, of being in control, of my emotions.
You are now a richer person for having gone through all of this with your parents. I know, I too wish I were a little less rich, or strong, or whatever. But, everything we experience in life can be used for our future service to our Lord.
A friend and priest who is a grief counselor told me, "Grief is not going to let go of you until you've learned the lessons He has for you." I'm still early in the process too but I'm letting go; breathing more deeply; enjoying memories instead of crying over them; and gradually opening myself up to whatever the next chapter holds.
Peace my friend,
Ann
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I hope you are OK.
Hi Sweetie - just checking in on you. I'm here if you need to bend an ear. Anytime.
Hey Nancy, just checking on you. I know how you feel. I have had tgo drag myself out of my fog to take care of my dad now so maybe that is the way it is meant to be for me to heal in some way. To help him heal. Crazy stuff this grieving process is. We know we have to go through it but there is no map, or agenda. Nothing. Maybe we are to just go through it and build something better from it in time. Doesn't feel like it right now but in time, I just know there are better days coming for us all because of the love compassion we have shared with our loved ones and each other.
Some day the fog will lift...some day...and what a glorious day it will be.
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