today is the first month anniversary since russ died. even though i still have my days where i feel numb and have no energy (like i'm in a fog myself) i do think i've made great strides. this past week i have done more than i think the other 3 weeks combined. i took to heart lori's posting about feeling sorry for myself and time to get off the pity potty. as difficult as it is some days, i think it helped, so thank you lori!
i had two insightful conversations as well this past week. i know it was something i already knew but needed to hear it from someone else. for so long my life had been centered around helping others and caring. with my nursing background i think that came natural for me but more so it was the role model my mother showed me. she was not a nurse yet she cared for many over the course of her life. first her grandfather (my great grandfather) lived with us when i was in junior high school. next her mother (my nana) lived with us as she battled breast cancer. she even went out to california before my wedding to take care of unk after he had open heart surgery as he was between wives and had no health insurance. she was always there to lend a helping hand if new babies were born or people were sick. and of course, the last but certainly not least was the example of her caring for russ.
i have always admired and looked up to my mother and wanted to be just like her. as a really young girl people would ask me what i wanted to be when i grew up and i would look at her and say, "a mommy, just like mine." it seemed the natural thing to do and what i wanted to do for russ, maybe to pay back my mom for what she did her whole life and to make her proud. i am so glad i did, i have no regrets. it wasn't easy as we AD caregivers know but... now though my life feels empty, the boys are off at school and russ is no longer here. what is the purpose of my life? yes i can pretend to take care of bob but he has always been my rock, my strength. as russ deteriorated, i worked less and less outside the home.
bob's and my business is in the process of closing down. with all the changes in medicare reimbursement and medicare D, it is no longer profitable. this is another chapter in our lives that is changing. so until that is final, there is enough to do before i can look for a new path and dream to follow.
i have spoken with a friend from my support group that has no family in town and have offered my assistance to her when she feels at wits end. i say that as i know she will not take me up on my offer just as an excuse to get out. i know that as i've been there myself.
so for now i will concentrate on getting back to a productive life. i say that vs. normal because i will have to begin over the next few months to define what normal is for me. in the meantime, i will still have to deal with all the paper work yet to be resolved with russ' death. in time, in time........
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7 comments:
Wow, Nancy - so many changes for you just now. I think that is such a hard place to be. But I also think you will always be a nurturer because it's part of your nature. Have you considered going back into full time nursing?
Baby steps, friend. Baby steps.
Ah yes Nancy, our mothers really do have such an impact on who we become. I was talking to Helen's hospice nurse the other day about what I wanted to do with my life and her response was "your mother must have been an amazing woman".
It sounds like you have plenty to keep you busy for now. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. As long as we are going forward, we are going in the right direction.
May we all keep going forward in our lives, keeping in mind that taking a step back once in a while to see where we are at in our life is ok too.
Hugs Nancy...
Your little portrait of your mother and her influence on your life is lovely. I have thought before how our loved ones' lives continue to influence us.
That time when children are no longer children takes a bit of adjustment. It is the learning to deal with them as adult to adult that was harder for me but I think the most rewarding.
Finding new purpose and fulfilling work can surely be challenging. My son's mother-in-law was a nurse. A few years ago she was in a similar place to you. Her father had died and her children were all gone and her husband's job changed. She no longer wanted the pressure of her nursing job. She took a part-time job for an ophthalmologist and began working more at her church.
Our lives are all so different and yet so similar, too.
Thinking about you - praying for you - and Bob.
Gee, Nancy, you've been through more than enough. I loved reading about your mom. I can so much relate to the way you feel.
Take care of yourself and take time to refresh yourself. ((HUGS)) to help you along the way.
Lori your so strong. It must be hard to think about getting back to something else but you are charging right ahead. I want to be like Nonna when i grow up but if i am able to take up a little bit of Nancy that I will all be for the better. I am sure your kids feel the same way. *hugs*
Nancy, I woud be over the moon if I could meet you. I forsee myself being in Madison in the next few months, possibly around the holidays. Maybe you will be in Galesburg sooner than that even. We will have to keep in touch and see where we are at. Hugs to you!
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