Friday, February 15, 2008

february 15, 2006

i apologize beforehand as i know this is a long post. last year i didn't have time to write down my thoughts due to caregiving for russ so 2 years later i am.

my mom and i were always close. we were able to share a lot of things and so enjoyed doing things together as well; shopping, going out to eat, playing golf, watching tv or movies, reading books together, and just talking and laughing. even though russ and i shared something very special together, having the same birthday, if i am totally honest with myself, i always felt russ and sue were closer and maybe i felt a little closer to my mom. yet i know they both loved us both as i did them. i was very blessed to have two such wonderful, loving and supportive parents.

christmas of 2005 gene and russ stayed with me and my family. every year they alternated whose house they stayed at so as to be "even." russ was noticeably and drastically slipping at that time so i was able to have some good "heart to heart" talks with my mom as to what may lie ahead and some tough decisions she might have to make. after they went back to door county after christmas, i discussed with my sister how one of us should call them every day to check in with them. i also made the 3 hour trip up north for a day every other week. my mom was still playing bridge approx. 2x/week which meant russ was alone for up to 4 hours. not a good thing but my mom needed to keep some part of her life for just her. russ could no longer make a sandwich for himself although he would tell you he could. we encouraged my mom to make it for him before she left and write a note as to where she was and when she would be home.

on february 15, 2006 it was my day to call and i did early afternoon. as soon as russ answered the phone i could tell he was extremely anxious. i tried talking to him calmly and asked him if gene was there. he stated he didn't know. i heard him call for her but no answer. i asked him if he had eaten lunch and he didn't know. he kept mumbling about a note that said something about door county memorial hospital ER with a number. i didn't think too much about it because i knew one of the bridge groups my mom played for was the hospital auxiliary and they indeed did play at the hospital.

i asked russ if gene might be taking a nap and he said he didn't know but he would go check. bad idea. i knew he would forget that he had been on the phone. sure enough. now i had a real problem. i knew if i hung up i would lose the connection with him. i started screaming his name into the phone. this went on for at least 5 minutes. not long after i could hear a voice in the background talking to russ. soon afterwards i could tell it wasn't my mom's voice but one of her best friends. i could hear she was asking him if he had either mine or sue's phone number. all russ could say is "gene has it here somewhere." i kept screaming and hoping jinx would look near the phone and hear me or see the phone was off the hook.

my prayer was answered. jinx picked up the phone and told me that she had been gone but when she returned there was a message from the emergency department stating that gene was there, she had collapsed at bridge and was taken to the ER. they were able to revive her and she asked them to call jinx and see if she would go look in after russ. jinx called the ER back but they wouldn't give her any more information since she wasn't family except they would be flying gene to green bay for further evaluation.

i quickly hung up and called the emergency department. luckily being a small town, even with HIPPA, they were able to update me. my mom had not been transferred to green bay as when they were getting ready to load her into the helicopter she coded again. they had been working on her for the past 40 minutes when i called but with little success. the ER nurse, barb, was wonderful and kind. she described to me what was going on. they were able to get her heart going but there was no perfusion (or blood flow) in her extremities. her skin was mottled and they were unable to get a blood pressure. barb's best guess was that gene had a leaking aneurysm which then had ruptured. the next question for me was did i know if my mom had a living will and what her wishes would be, should they continue and hook her up to life support or let her go.

in the course of a few minutes i had to decide between life and death for my mom, my mother! i knew she had a living will and had instructed that she did not want to be hooked up to life support. she knew that would be no quality of life. my mom had always been such a vibrant, giving and loving person. she would not want to live like that. when i relayed that to barb she kindly told me that was the loving thing to do. she would do the same if it were her mom. she told me that in the short time she spent time with my mom when she was awake and alert, how gene was so sweet and cooperative and obviously loved and was concerned about russ being left alone. barb stated if we kept her alive she would never be the mom i knew as her brain and other organs had been without oxygenated blood for so long.

i had barely gotten off the phone with barb and was explaining it all to bob when the ER doc called me back to say my mom had died. i felt numb. what was i going to do? how would i tell my sister, much less russ? somehow i got through all that and the rest is history. russ came down to milwaukee to live out the rest of his life.

i truly believe my mom had no idea the severity of what was happening to her. as i stated, she and i were always close and i know that she would have asked to call me if she thought it was so life threatening. i thank God she did have enough where with all to call jinx to go stay with russ until we could drive up there. i also thank God for having a nurse like barb who was with her so that she wasn't alone at the end. i will never forget barb and am glad she was there to hold my mom's hand when i couldn't. barb even came to gene's visitation. this was a nurse who met my mom for the first time when she came into the ER. i'm not surprised that my mom touched barb's life, she had a way of doing that with everyone who met her.

i also thank God for sparing gene the last 19 months of russ' life. she had done so much for him, had been with him every step of the way and suffered silently alone for so long. my mom was a very proud and stubborn woman who hated to admit that she needed help. she also kept a lot of her feelings in and didn't let others know how she felt. i guess i can be a lot like my mom in that way. but most importantly i thank God for bringing me into this world, to have had a mother like gene, to teach me so many things. i miss you terribly every day. i know i miss you more this year than last year as i have had time to grieve you now but i hope you would be proud of me. i tried to continue what you did, caring for russ and surrounding him with love and security.

i will love you forever and never forget you. i think of you when i see a mystery book or a crossword puzzle. i think of you when i go out to eat and see certain foods on the menu. i think of you at the most unpredictable of times as well as the predictable ones. i think of you every day. yet i also thank God that you and russ are together again, with God, where you both are safe, and happy and loved.

10 comments:

Lori1955 said...

Oh Nancy, that brought tears to my eyes. I can feel both your love and your grief in that post. ((((HUGS)))) my dear friend.

Unk said...

Absolutely beautiful and heartfelt Nancy. I cried all the way though it. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Pass those tissues over this way... Nancy, thank you for sharing this. I too can feel your love for both of your parents in this post. I am so, so sorry for your loss. And like you, so glad that they are together again.

That is some comfort, isn't it?

This has become my reply to people when they ask about my Mom. I tell them that she's "good 'cause she's with Dad"!

Still, it is sad for us though.


((BIG HUGS)) sent to you, Nancy.

Joanne said...

Just when I was drying the tears from a movie I watched, I read your post and cried again. Beautiful heartfelt post, Nancy. Sounds like your mom was a wonderful person and I'm happy she and Russ are together again. ((HUGS)) my friend.

¸.•*´)ღ¸.•*´Chris said...

Awww....so many hugs to you sweetie. I remember having to make that choice for Dad to keep him on life support or let him go. Knowing what he wanted, it made it easier, but nonetheless still so painful.

Yes, Gene and Russ are both safe and happy now. They are in a place where sickness and pain can no longer touch them.

You really opened your heart up on this one...thank you for sharing this with us.

~Betsy said...

Oh Nancy, the fear running through you when Russ couldn't communicate what was going on - I can't even begin to imagine. How awful for you and for Russ.

I am so very sorry for such a traumatic situation you found yourself in. It sounds as if your quick thinking, level-headed self took over - and continued for the entire time Russ was in your care. Only now can you let your guard down - even just a little.

Words escape me. I had no idea. I knew your situation was similar to mine but I never fully knew the circumstances that led up to it all.

I am sending you warm hugs and prayers today. You done good.

arutherford said...

Nancy, I felt your pain and anguish throughout. You miraculously kept your wits about you.

A double heartache is so hard to carry. God has blessed you with a strong faith and sound mind.

Your parents are indeed united and smiling down on a beloved daughter.
Love, Ann

rilera said...

Tears are streaming down my cheeks. Hugs to you Nancy. Thank you for sharing this.

Unknown said...

Thanks for sharing Nancy. I have often thought that it would have killed my mother to watch my dad's progression with Alzheimer's and that it might have killed me to have to watch her. It nearly killed Dad for Mom to go first but I thought it was a blessing then and even more now.

Annie said...

Please pass the tissues. How difficult that must have been. Thank you for sharing the story.