Friday, July 20, 2007

unk's letter to me.


What I Did On My Summer Vacation – By Unk

If you have been reading Nancy’s blog, you know that her mother, my sister, passed away unexpected in February of 2007. Gene’s husband had medium stages of Alzheimer’s. He had very little short-term memory, but would compensate with the tremendous social skills that he had developed over the course of his life. To a stranger that did not know him he would seem fine, but he was totally unable to live on his own. Thus in one fell swoop, my two nieces not only lost their mother, but had to take care of their father, who was slipping away. No time to reflect and grieve. They had to make all the necessary arrangements to bury their mother, close up the family home (a nice one on a lake), as well as move their father four hundred miles to one of their homes. They were fortunate in that they lived within 20 miles of each other. They each were married with children of their own. They had loving and successful husbands, and were in the process of raising wonderful children. They owned their own homes in nice areas. This was my assessment from a loving uncle two thousand miles away.

Because I lived so far away, I was not instrumental in their daily life, but would visit my sister and her family for a week every other year, as best I could. My sister was very strong on family, and loved to entertain. During my semi-annual visits, she would invite other members of the family to come up, so that we could all visit and re-connect. I had always envied my sister’s close-knit family. I think that one of the reasons that she and her husband bought and built a house on a lake was so that the family would come visit, which they did -- their children, grandchildren, brothers, cousins, and good friends. She really was the center pole of the family tent.

Like many of us, she and her husband did not plan well financially for their retirement. After she died, my nieces asked me to sort through their parent’s fiancés and see if I could make sense of it all. They were overwhelmed with the immediate tasks that an unexpected death requires. I was glad be of help, and threw myself into the task. I was able to flesh out a fairly comprehensive picture of their financial situation, which, while not bleak, required Russ move in with his children, and the house be either sold or rented to pay for the mortgage and upkeep.

I suppose that at this point I could have continued the relationship I had with my nieces, with a visit every other year or so. But I have my sister’s sense of duty and obligation to family, and now that she was gone, I felt it even stronger. I felt the need to pay back my sister, even more so after her death -- in 1983 I had open-heart surgery and my sister, without being asked, came out and took care of me. The timing was terrible, as it was right before Nancy’s wedding. It really meant a lot to me, and stayed with me all these years.

I had to do what I could to help my nieces, but was limited to emotional support and life coaching due to being so far away. I called them each every Sunday, not only to say hello and to check in with them, but to encourage them to think about future options. After all, no one survives old age, much less Alzheimer’s. I strongly believe you must have a plan in life for everything that you do. Taking on a task without a plan is like going to the grocery store without a list. You can do it, but you end up forgetting what you originally went to buy, and picking up things you don’t really need. In an effort to help them develop a long-term plan for taking care of Russ, I would enter into “what if” scenarios. After a while Nancy figured out that I was helping her create her own plan, rather than giving her a plan.

A year and a half passed, and I had an excuse to fly back and visit my two nieces. I told Nancy that while we were visiting, Dunk and I wanted to help take care of Russ and give her and family some respite. As Nancy said, I had some trepidation, hell, I was scared sh*tless! But, I am of the belief you can do anything you set your mind to. Of course that doesn’t make it easy.

What I found was that, as so often happens, the anticipation was much worse than the reality. Nancy has incorporated caring for Russ into the fabric of her life, as has her husband and her two boys. She made taking care of Russ quite easy. She broke his care down into a series of very manageable tasks. She had a four-page instruction packet with all the required information: schedule for meds, TV, music preferences, where the clean diapers are, how to clean Russ up, where the dirty diapers go, etc,. Not only did it make it possible for Dunk and I to care for Russ on our own, but when Nancy was there, we could still take some of the burden off her shoulders.

While taking care of Russ has been a big drain on the family’s time and energy, it is my impression that the overall effect on the family is beneficial. My experience was very rewarding, much more than I thought it would be. I didn’t think it would be rewarding at all, it was just something that I really wanted to do to help out Nancy and her family. I’m not sure I can explain why I found it rewarding, and I probably don’t need to, to those reading this post, but to me it was a totally unexpected result of my helping Russ and Nancy.

When I first arrived, I told my both nieces that in all likelihood, I probably would not make the trip back when Russ passes away. I’m 71, and like overripe tomatoes, I don’t travel well. When I told them of my decision, I felt some pangs of guilt. But that changed after I took care of Russ. In taking care of his every need, no matter how personal, I felt we made a very basic human connection, even if he didn’t know who I was. Because we were able to connect in that way, I no longer have any regrets about my decision. I was able to say goodbye to him, while he is still alive. Even though my intent was to help Nancy, which I did, I also helped Russ, and learned something about myself as well, and those were unanticipated, yet important benefits.

Well there you have it, my first attempt at blogging. I gotta tell all you AD bloggers, my hat is off to you -- not only for the caregiving, but for the blogging. Neither came easy for me.

Nancy, thank you so much for letting me hijack your blog. In case I haven’t said it enough, “You Done Good.” I love you. Unk

6 comments:

nancy said...

unk,
i know this letter was not easy for you to write but you did it and it was written from your heart. thank you so much for all you have done for me and by just being you! i love you too.

~Betsy said...

I'd like to rent Unk for a few days!

Seriously, Unk - you seem like such a wonderful, caring guy! What a Godsend you are to Nancy and Russ.

Lori1955 said...

I couldn't get through this post without getting up twice to get a Kleenex. I love Unk!!!!!!!!!!! Nancy, my uncles have all died. Can I have unk? PLEEEEEEEASE!!!!!

nancy said...

betsy, he is pretty special, that's for sure!

nancy said...

lori, i'll talk to him for you and put in a good word. as you know, he actually lives closer to you than to me!

Pier said...

Unk/Nancy:

What a beautiful post and what wonderful love I felt in reading it.

Warm, fuzzy hug to you both!
Pier