emotional day

as soon as russ left for day care today i was in my car driving to illinois. this is where i grew up from the age of age 10 until i graduated from college. my best friend during that time had just lost her father and the funeral was this morning. he had had cardiac problems for the last 12 years but was able to live a basically normal life up until the last 6-12 months. unbeknownst to me he had also been diagnosed with dementia a few years ago. fortunately he was on AD drugs and was doing very well. it sounded to me as if he was still in the early stages of this disease. as i thought about what a wonderful, loving man he was, and how much his family would miss him, i was also happy for him. my heart goes out to my friend and her family yet i was also a little envious of them. here was a man and a family who are going to be spared the horrendous robbing of his mind and thus his life. he will not have to face the fear of not remembering his family who was so special to him. they will not have to face the slow goodbye that we AD caregivers face on a daily basis. i found myself questioning why russ has to be so physiclly healthy except for his AD. he has no cardiac or blood pressure problems, no renal or diabetic problems. his only issue has been his brain bleeds which the neurologist feels is related to the AD. i know we do not know why things happen the way they do, and it's easy to say what will be will be in God's time, not ours, yet i wish that God would see fit to end russ' suffering. i know part of this is selfishness on my part yet i know russ would agree if he knew or could express himself. sometimes acceptance is hard to come by.