grief, mourning & healing

this afternoon i went to a seminar entitled grief, mourning & healing. i had heard about it through an e-mailing network i still receive from our business. it was given by patrick dean, a man who has done grief counseling for over 20 years and is the head of the milwaukee grief education center. it was excellent. maybe it wasn't necessarily new material but the way it was presented, and maybe also the stage i am in my grief, i was more ready to hear it and it certainly made an impact on me.

i am going to summarize of few of his key points not only to share with my fellow bloggers who are in the grieving process but also to record it for me, so i can have something to look back on.

grief is an internal experience where as mourning is how we exhibit our grief externally. grief is the bridge between who we were (before the death) and who we are becoming (following the death). mourning is the path to healing, how we move towards the healing.

grief is normal, natural and necessary. it is also universal yet totally unique.

through mourning, and the path towards healing, we are learning new ways to live with our necessary sadness. we are forever changed by the lives of those we loved. we need time to redefine who we are. i know as caregivers we can all acknowledge and agree with that.

the mere passage of time does not heal - it's what we do with that time. don't believe the saying, times heals all wounds, it doesn't, yet time softens and changes how we look at the loss. there is also no time limit to grief and loss. some losses are forever.

patrick was able to meet and visit with dr. elizabeth kubler-ross near the end of her life. she was the forerunner and pioneer to describing the phases one goes through with death and dying. patrick asked her if there was one thing he could pass on to bereavers as he gave workshops from her, what would she like it to be? he said she thought for a good 3-5 minutes and then answered. tell them "do the best you can and leave the rest of it up to whomever you deem your god to be." a very wise statement!

we need to work on finding our "new normal" in life. for death changes us forever so we should not look for a recovery but rather a reconciliation - learning to live with our loses. when we experience that momentary "spark" of life, we should try to build on it, nurture it into our "new normal."

though grief is hard, hopefully over time (and that will vary for each individual) thoughts become soft again, and a gentleness awaits us.
will i open my heart to an eternal love? a love no longer of this earth?
eventually, the stormy days and ways of grief will soften into something sad...AND beautiful.

"no one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear."
C.S. Lewis : A Grief Observed


this tuesday night patrick dean will be giving another talk on delayed grief. i am hopeful to attend that. i know i am experiencing that with my mom. i look forward to gaining insight into that as well.