the other day i had to stop at someone's house to drop something off and we got to talking. she was asking me about how things were at the end with russ. i didn't even go into half the details of his struggles and i could tell i gave her more information than what she wanted.
both of her parents are still alive but are not in good health and live a few hours away. she was stating how she was fearful of what the future held for them as they didn't have any financial resources for assisted living or nursing homes and she knew that she didn't have the patience or desire (i guess for a better word) to do what i did.
how many times as a caregiver i heard "i don't know how you do what you do", "you must be such a saint." at the time i never really thought about it as most of my blogger friends don't. we just did what needed to be done.
the other comment that probably infuriated me more than any other i heard over the course of my caregiving was "since you are a nurse, it must be easier for you." "you are better trained at dealing with this than i would be." nothing could be further from the truth. so many times i wanted to scream back and say, "being a nurse makes no difference, it is still just as hard for me to watch russ slip away, i am his daughter first and foremost."
i would frequently tell people that at the time, i was the only one that was a nurse of my blogger friends and i would get a shocked look. "you're kidding?!" "i could never do it, i don't know how they do."
there is not a real point to this post except to vent some of my frustrations at some of the lame excuses i hear from people. i realize that there are definitely instances where the situation won't allow family members to care for their loved ones but overall i feel our society is becoming too selfish. the love and responsibility for family is not what is used to be or should be. there are too many people out there that are not willing to give up a little of their life for a while to love and comfort and try to make their loved ones life, those that cared and loved them, a little better.
family can be advocates, caregivers and support even from a distance but how many of us have not even seen that. so many feel "i have my own life now, it's not my responsibility and let someone else deal with that." that is the epitome of selfishness in my opinion.
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11 comments:
I hear you loud and clear. I have never understood people who feel that they have a choice in whether or not to be a caregiver. I never made a choice because it never dawned on me to do anything else. Now you got my blood boiling Nancy, just thinking about those people. There are even those who think I had it easier because Helen and I weren't related. How stupid is that. I am adopted so wasn't related to my parents either. Should that have made it easier when they died? Idiots.
I hear ya' loud and clear, too. When my dad died and we were forced to make a decision about my mom's care, my brother's reasoning for me to be the caregiver was because way back in high school and college, I worked as a CNA. Big deal. I worked in a skilled nursing facility and all I knew how to do was clean messy diapers, feed puree and help my patients to get dressed. Sounds like mom or stay-at home-dad duties to me.
In fact, I didn't even know how to give insulin or check blood glucose levels. I had to get my cousin to teach me - she's an RN. I had one lesson and the rest was up to me. I gotta tell you, I was terrified of the diabetes more than any of the other issues, but I got through.
I heard all about what a saint I was, yudda yudda at the funeral. Pfft. I did what I had to do because it had to be done. I loved both my parents and the day daddy died, I promised him I would watch over mom.
Promises kept.
Great post, Nancy.
Amen Nancy! Thank you for putting into words what I have thought for so long. Just because you are a nurse does not make it any easier to watch this dreadful disease steal away your loved one.
Nancy, great post! You hit the nail on the head here! People seem to feel the need to "thank me" for taking care of my Mom. Kind of like a pat on the head, all the while telling me that they could never do this! Well, never say never, because when it happens to someone you love, your heart decides for you!
Betsy, you struck a chord with me when you said, "Promises kept". I made a promise to my Dad to look after Mom. I knew that they were both determined not to live in a retirement or nursing home and honestly, it never occured to me to place Mom in one, it never occured to me since I'm "not good with sick people" NOT to take care of her. It certainly HAS been a learning experience! But learn I have! I love her, what else was I supposed to do??
I hear you loud and clear three??? hehe I know I sometimes had pressure put on me to do more Nonna once I was in college and it hurt like hell to have to make the decisions to NOT go home at times. I did as much as I could... or I hope I did as much as I could. I guess no way to ever really know for sure. I know people who lived with there LO near the end had a really hard task. I never got to do that. I wish so many times that I had. I am sure it was hard as all get out. Maybe its just the old grass is greener business but... I just wish I could have done that instead of being so far from her when she needed me most.
*hugs* Nancy like WOAH!
Thank you for expressing my frustrations so succinctly!
I used to get the "well you are an EMT so this must be pretty easy, huh?" Yup, sure is easy watching your mother slip away day by day, dumbstick. Clueless people.
I have to admit, I was fearful of caregiving at first. I didn't know if I could do it. But telling my dad I couldn't do it just wasn't an option. I knew there had to be a way to handle it and I prayed for that daily. I guess that's what led me to you folks. I couldn't have done it without you all. I know I couldn't have.
It's not about being a saint,it'sabout just doing what needs to be done and following through. I did my best. I made mistakes and just kept going. Through the grace of God.
you all responded how i feel as well. i think unless you have walked our walk, you just don't understand!
Good, Loving, Compassionate, Honerable, Loyal, People, that's who!
I wish there were more of them on the Planet, but doesn't everyone?
People still surprise me (negatively) because I expect them to think, feel, and act, like I do, which is pretty silly really?
Everyone is so different? But Caregivers, Caregivers, are AWESOME!
I understand what you are saying Nancy. I have family members that say all the time that I am the one that knows how to take care of my parents. And I will tell them that I have been the one that had to jump and take care of them that on one else would do it....meaning them. Would I change it? No. But my sibings know when to pick and choose their words with me now. So people are just stupid....
I hear you loud and clear, too, Nancy. Cheers to you! I can so relate with Betsy as well...promises kept! Thank you for giving me that little boost. It doesn't get easier, but knowing that you all felt the same way sure helps! ((HUGS)) to all you wonderful people.
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