the last 3 days have been really hard for me. i have cried more in these 3 days than since russ died. there have been some highlights; taking with a cousin, visiting my old next door neighbor (a yearly Christmas ritual since moving out in the boonies 10 years ago), talking with janine on the phone (russ' hospice nurse), and even getting a few things accomplished around the house. BUT, overwhelmingly, i just can't seem to get past this emotional low and crying. i think i know what it is, and it can't be prevented.
a year ago this time, it was the first Christmas without my mom but i had too many distractions with caring for russ so i repressed all the feelings of grief as i didn't have time to deal with them. this year, there is nothing to occupy or distract me so i have plenty of time to think and thus i feel the floodgates are really starting to open up. the numbness is wearing off and i am finally beginning to grieve for both my mom and russ.
with what cinn is going through right now, it is bringing back a whole flood of emotions with russ at the end. i feel for her so much as i can't imagine having to experience this so close to the holiday. no time is good but this has to be the ultimate pits.
gosh i miss both my parents....
i also wish this pain would go away...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
17 comments:
nothing to say except I'm thinking of you and sending you big hugs.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I know you are grieving for both you mom and dad and probably also for your boys leaving home. It's almost like the whole world has gone on and left you behind. I wish it was simple enough that I could just grab your hand and pull you out of this hole. Unfortunately you can't climb out until you have gone through the emotions.
I know what you mean about cinmin. I find myself checking her blog constantly. Suddenly September is happening all over again. My heart just breaks for her.
I understand the pain you are in. I wish we could just go through it and have it over with but it keeps coming back. Right now I am OK so feel free to lean on me my friend.
"gosh i miss both my parents....
i also wish this pain would go away..."
Oh Nancy, Me too! Me too!
Sending you a hug right now!
I feel so badly for us all!
I'm SO SORRY for making those of you who have already been through this process, re-live the pain of you own loss!
I cried with you and for you while we all prayed and lit candles for both your Russ and Lori's Helen. And my heart hurts knowing the depth of your sorrow, especially now at the Holiday season.
Our loved ones are OK though, they're all celebrating Jesus' Birthday with HIM this year!
I truly hope that with our connection online, our loved ones are able to connect in Heaven as they look down to watch over us with love.
I try so hard to focus of the fact that Mom will not be in pain, will not have this confusion, and will be with my Dad and so many of our family members. My friend Sheri reminded me this afternoon of that saying; Everyone here on Earth is saying, "There she goes"...But everyone on the other side is saying, "Here she comes"! I know that my Dad will follow that up with, "and what took you so long?!?"
thank you robyn for your kind words.
lori, i know you do understand how i feel and it's the pits, isn't it? but knowing you understand helps a lot, more than most know.
cinn, please do not worry about me. you have enough on your own plate now. i will be fine. place your energy on your mom and yourself right now. but thank you for your comment, it meant a lot to me.
I went to a friend's funeral this week. He was 6 days older than me.
The pastor who spoke at the service asked that this not ruin our Christmas joy, but of course it will certainly modify it a lot.
But the exhortation is valid too. Fred would have wanted us all to enjoy the season.
Tough mix.
Oh Nancy......I am so sorry........I know how this hurts, trust me. I wish I could make it go away for you. To have to be hit with this all of the sudden and especially now does suck.
I wish I could offer up words of wisdom. I can't. Just know we are here for you and each other. Some how it will all work out. My mom used to tell me that and to this day, I truly believe it. Soft gentle hugs to you my friend.
Floodgates...for me, that was the image that helped me work through and process my grief. Floodgates. While closed, the grief slowly (or quickly) fills up higher and higher and higher. When we open the floodgates and really let it all out, we empty that "well", at least mostly. Of course the grief keeps filling it up, but for that moment after a good long cry, we feel a bit better. In the early days, weeks and months after a loss, I think the well fills up quickly, so you have to open the floodgates often, and it's just hard and exhausting. But as time goes on, the well begins to fill up more and more slowly, so you don't have to open those floodgates near as often, until one day you realize that you only have to open the gates every year or so, and maybe, eventually, not even then. But that takes a long time to get to.
So in the meantime, don't take on very much in terms of the holidays this year. This is gonna be a hard one, so you might as well be gentle with yourself. And when you feel the need to open those floodgates, go for it. Know that the sooner you open them full up and wide, the sooner the grief will disappate, at least for now, and you will feel some relief and lightness in your soul again. At least until the well fill up again...but it will slow down.
Love and hugs to you, my friend.
Nancy, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. My heart aches for you and everyone going through this. Let the flood gates open and pour until they can't pour anymore. They'll be days when the gates open again, but each time it lets out a little of the pain. Love you, Nancy. Wish I could be there to hug you.
chris, you must be feeling a lot of what i am feeling with the holidays, except this is truly the first for both your parents.
thank you joanne for your thoughts.
jamie, i know you know what i am feeling, even though yours wasn't a parental loss, a loss is still a loss. and i thank you for your analogy, it helps. it has also helped so much that it was YOU (through unk) who helped me to find all my caregiving blogger friends. thank you again SO much!!! i will be ever indebted to you.
Hang in there Nancy, we are here for you. I cant imaging how much it hurts have lost both parents like you have. My Nonna was very special to me, I always say like a mother. But I do still have my mom and dad no matter how much they drive me crazy. You make me greatfull for them. (not to mention greatfull for all my blog mom's and dad's) Even though I might not be in the same place as you right now I want to hold your hand and be strong with you because thats what you do for me. Just take care my friend and try to find the joy in the people you have around you. They love you so much.
Oh Nancy - what can I say? You and I are in the same boat and I understand completely. Your post strikes a chord for sure. There are no words to bring comfort, no magic wand or potion - only the knowledge that you have been a tremendous daughter. Try and take comfort in the fact that you were the go-to girl for both of your parents and they are proud of you.
Love ya' buddy. I hope you soon feel a little better.
Oh Nancy, darling, I feel so badly for you. For some reason, I think that having a Husband & Kids, would be the cure all for this kind of pain, and obviously, it is not.
I haven't lost either Parent yet, so I am lucky, and I know it @ 52 Years Old, not that 'normal'
I understand what postponed grief is however, from training, and experience in my "Support Group"
All I know is that you are a wonderful Person, and a wonderful Daugher, Nurse, Mother, Friend, and I am not sure why this type of person, has too suffer the most, but it seems to be, it just does.
Not fair. I hope you make it through this Christmas, and trust me, the next & the rest, will be far easier.
I thinking of you Nancy. The tears flow as I read you post. I wish you peace and happiness during the holiday season. Gentle hugs to you my friend.
Hi Nancy,
Just touching base with you.
Just checking in on you, Nancy. ((HUGS))
Just looking in on you, Nanc.
Post a Comment