Tuesday, September 16, 2008

anticipation


this week approaching is one i have dreaded for the past year. yet it is also one that i have wished would come and go months ago. but one thing i have learned through this journey after alzheimer's is that you can't ignore or deny your feelings. you can't go around them either but must travel through them, no matter how painful that might be.

a few months ago i was finally feeling like i was able to get a good night's sleep again and wake up feeling refreshed and rested. these past two weeks i have returned to my restless interrupted sleep cycle. bob has noticed it. i feel bad because i'm sure with all my tossing and turning he is not getting his well deserved sleep.

it is no secret to me as to the reason. in less than a week will mark the 1 year anniversary since russ died. i have found myself these past few weeks re-reading my previous entries from a year ago and reliving his final days again. i know in my heart that he is in a better place but i still miss russ. lori has said it best when she said, it's not about them, it's about me and how i feel and grieve for him.

i am also finding myself reflecting on this past year and what i have done with my life. the first half year i took off to regroup you might say and then begin a job search. these past 6 months i returned to the job force but can't say i really feel fulfilled. it is just a job. i am searching again like i did a year ago to find myself and my purpose. what do i want to do with my life? what will make me happy yet help others? i want to find a job that feels rewarding to me and one that i am making a difference in people's life. kinda like i guess i felt taking care of russ.

these feelings i am experiencing are nothing that others haven't felt before me and that millions of others will feel after me. i will get through it i know and be a stronger person for it. i know i have God at my side and He will carry me through.

6 comments:

rilera said...

Hugs to you Nancy during this time. Take care and be gentle on yourself.

Lori1955 said...

Oh sweetie, my heart is with you. As difficult as this is and as the memories of last year flood through our minds, there is almost something healing about this.

We put our lives on hold and dedicated them solely to the care of another human being and then we were left alone. Now it's time to find our identity again. I think once these anniversaries are over we can truly begin to move forward without keeping one foot in the past.

You are in my thoughts, you are in my prayers, you are in my heart.

¸.•*´)ღ¸.•*´Chris said...

(((hugs Nancy))) You are in my heart as you go through this week and all the days afterward. I know how difficult this time is and I wish I could make it better. Love you and hang in there.

flintysooner said...

Very insightful Nancy (words written by someone that's been up since 3).

It is interesting how we experience such similar emotions.

Praying for you.

~Betsy said...

Not much to add other than my love and prayers. Please know you are in my heart and I think of you often.

~Betsy said...

I'm thinking of you today, Nancy. (((hugs)))