mother's day came and went. it was rougher than i thought. this was my first mother's day that i wasn't pre-occupied with russ since gene died so i really felt the absence of my mom. i have found myself crying at all sorts of little things lately that remind me of her.
it probably didn't help that i wasn't able to see either of my two boys on sunday either. mark had a final on sunday and matt had one monday so i told him to stay at school and study. i don't regret my decision but it was still awful lonely. it was nice to be with bob and his mom, but it wasn't the same, it wasn't MY mom. honestly, i think i would have been happier sitting home alone, feeling sorry for myself. it was the first mother's day since i've been a mother that i didn't spend it with my boys, or my mom, and the first one that really hit me that my mother is truly gone.
i went to the rescheduled "delayed grief" seminar a few weeks ago and it made me realize that that is what i'm going through. for so long my grief for gene was wrapped around taking care of russ that i put it off, avoided it, and probably even wanted to subconsciously. shortly after russ died there were things that needed taken care of but now i have nothing to occupy my idle time and wham, it's hitting me front and center. i know i have to walk through this grief and deal with it, that i can't go around it, yet i just want to move on and be happy again.
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10 comments:
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate. I had a pretty lousy Mother's Day, too. Wish I had known you were feeling blue - I'd have called.
You hang in there, Nancy. Better days are ahead. Don't forget those baby steps. (((((hugs)))))
Nancy, I'm so sad for you, but I know things will get better, hang in there and take those baby steps. Hugs to you.
Auh Nanc...I do feel 'guilty' you know, that I still have my Mom, in her earthly body, anyway. You are so right about posponed grief though. When I worked at the Center,(AHC) the gal that worked with AIDS patients exclusively, thought she wouldn't be able to bare all the losses, she got so close to them all. But she did, and could, because her body & soul were like a pressure cooker, and just let her grieve a little at a time. I could never do what she did, but understand, that it can be done.
I was worried about you not having your boys, close at hand. I know these 'firsts' are so damn painful, and am not looking forward to them. Please know that I am here for you, even if just to cry into the phone. I'll give you my phone # in an E-Mail soon, Nanc. You are special, and know that I love you.
N.Mc.
Oh sweetie, I read your post and my heart just breaks for you. So many of us have had just too much loss in our lives. You will get through this. We all will. Let's just keep clinging to each other.
As the days go on, we will begin to discover happiness again. I hold on to that hope as that is really all we have in this phase...is hope.
I keep praying for better days for all of us. They are there waiting...and we are traveling one day at a time to them. (((hugs Nancy)))
Hey sweetie, just checking in on you. (((((hugs)))))
As you know, I can so relate to what you have gone through. I, too lost my Mother first and then threw myself into taking care of Daddy. And now I miss them as a unit, generally not one more than the other but as "MotherandDaddy".
I'm so sorry that you are hurting and yet I know it's necessary. Darn it! Actively grieve-cry, talk, write. You will begin to get past what I call the accute grief but it will take time, lots of time, so don't rush it.
Let's talk soon.
Love you,
Ann
Was thinking of you all day yesterday sweetie. Love and Hugs.
Thinking of you, Nancy and keeping you in prayer. HUGS!!
Nancy. I am thinking about you. I hope your doing better, I really care. You and I may be far apart but we will always share something. Thats something nonna and russ gave us. I am greatfull.
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