7/20

yesterday came and went and i almost, (key word almost) didn't realize what day it was. i have now reached the 10 month mark since russ died. i did well and felt at peace for the most part. i listened to frank sinatra and smiled as i thought of both russ and gene. the more i think about it, it was a really good day all in all.

bob and i had a wonderful little get-a-way. i hope to blog about it and post some pictures soon.

blogging

terry posted last week that he had been blogging for a year. it stuck me as i had been starting to think of that as well. how my life has changed in a year. i created my blog on july 10th last year and posted my first official post on july 16th. i find that really strange that i did not remember the date, the 16th, since it is bob's and mine anniversary. unk and dunk had come for a visit last year to give us some respite. we were unable to get away on our anniversary as planned as work interfered for bob so i spent the day creating my first real post. things were really hectic a year ago at this time. looking back, russ was really starting to spiral downward, yet at the time i had no idea what the future would hold. i only knew that in order to keep my sanity i needed to start writing down my thoughts and reach out to others who were in a similar situation to mine.

what a lifesaver this blog has been for me. 1 year ago i would count the hours until i get on the computer to capture my thoughts and check in on others, especially lori and terry, who were going through similar issues. soon, others joined, like betsy and chris, and stef to name a few. after that i met up with other wonderful caring caregivers. it was here i could open my heart and soul and not be judged but be understood. now my life is so different, i no longer am caregiving. i obviously don't post as often as i did then, yet i'm not ready to give up on my posting all together. a part of me still needs this outlet and i also need to stay connected to all of you who helped me through a very difficult time in my life.

this year will be different. i will not be posting on the 16th. unk & dunk will not be here to provide respite as there is no need this year. it is our 25th anniversary and bob and i are leaving tomorrow for a few days of r&r. i'm really looking forward to it yet i know we will talk quite a bit about russ and our journey with him. you see, every year since we have gotten married, on our anniversary we evaluate and rate the past year. the first year of our marriage we saw the play, "same time next year." in it a couple meet, have an affair, and agree to meet each other at the "same time, next year." during their yearly reunions they discuss what went on in their separate lives. we decided to do a takeoff of that, not to have an affair, but to talk about the prior year. every year we each think about and tell each other what was they best and worst thing about the prior year. obviously some years have had more joys and or sorrows. this year will be no different.

i'm back.....

it's hard to believe that i have been away from my blog for so long. it's not that i haven't checked in with some or most of my friends blogs from time to time because i have. but for me, i guess i was just at a time when i needed a break. a lot was going on in my life and something had to give and i guess it was my blog. plus, for awhile i didn't even have the energy to think about what to blog about.

i have been at my job for about 3 months now and i am starting to feel more comfortable in what i do. the nurse that sits next to me, my cubicle buddy, has only been there about 3 weeks and i'm surprising myself that i have been able to answer the majority of the questions she asks me.

so how do i like the job? well, as with most jobs there are good things and bad. the people i work with for the most part are very nice. i especially like when i interact with the patients. there is a really difficult case with a young mom pregnant with her second and in the hospital more than not with hyperemesis (constant vomiting from being pregnant). twice i have been asked to sit down with the staff nurses and MD to brainstorm how we can help her and keep her out of the hospital. that part i really enjoy, not that she is sick, but trying to figure out ways to make things easier. it makes me realize that that is what caregivers, especially to a LO with AD, do on a daily basis; try to figure out how to make the best out a difficult situation that you know won't get better.

one of my most difficult adjustments to work has been changing from owning your own business and making the decisions to working for a big company and having to keep my mouth shut when i see how they mismanage things on a day to day basis. it's then that i'm glad i'm out the door every mid to late morning to go to the hospitals to see all the sick people.

i've also been going to a grief support group through the hospice russ used. it has been good. some weeks i walk away thinking i'm doing pretty good and other weeks i drive home with tears streaming down my face the entire drive home and then just collaspe in bed. all in all, i know it's something i have to work through and can't deny that i have gone through a huge amount of life changes in the past 2+ years.

i hope to catch up with all your blogs in the next week. thanks (i hope) for understanding my need to pull back for awhile. please know that even though i was absent for a time you all continued to be in my thoughts and prayers. you are a very special group.

a good week

after a rough weekend on mother's day, i was glad to have had a good couple of weeks. last wednesday my sister and i stopped in at the in-patient hospice unit where russ had stayed 2 times for respite and 2 times for symptom management. the nurses there were great with him and it was good to see a few of them again. sue and i had also decided to give some of the contributions we received after russ died to vitas hospice for the wonderful care he received from them. as a result, a plaque (albeit small) was placed on the wall of donations. the above pictures are of sue and i standing in front of the wall of plaques and a close up of his inscription. i especially like the "you done good" part.

we picked last wednesday to go as one of the nurses had called me over the previous weekend to say that their marketing people would be there to do a promotional video for physicians and families to see. they asked if i would be willing to be in the video and say something. i agreed not really knowing what i was agreeing to. what i thought would be a short thing turned out to be a 2 hour ordeal. i really didn't mind though as i got to see and be filmed with Dr. Q, who took care of russ when he was there, see and be filmed with a wonderful chaplin, also named russ, as well as see some of the nurses. sue was in the part of the filming with the chaplin but left the interaction with Dr. Q up to me as well as the personal testimony. i had to laugh for as long as i was there, the video crew was to be there 2 full days - all for a 2-4 min. video. i will probably be on 10-15 seconds but it was for a good cause. i made them promise to send me a copy. maybe i will be able to put it on my blog for you all to see. don't hold your breath though....

last weekend for memorial day we went up to door county. some of the grass seed bob and i planted is starting to sprout as well as the pachysandras we planted i think will make it. i was also thrilled to see the dafodills blooming. last fall, bob and i found them in the garage. they had to be at least 2+ years old at the time. gene would have bought them and never got them planted, i'm sure because russ wouldn't have understood what she wanted him to do. for the heck of it, we planted them and they all came up, just beautiful. i know gene is looking down smiling.





bob was also able to get russ' car started and running that had been sitting up there for over 2 1/2 years as well. i was about ready to just call someone to have it towed away but our neighbor has a plane and periodically flies up to door county and was looking for a car to drive when up there. bob said after he unlocked the wheels which had rusted shut (it was me that came up with the idea to use coke and whaala) and charged the battery, he got in and said, "ok russ, do you think it will start?" guess what, it started right up! bob said he can just hear russ telling everyone up in heaven "ya know i had this car that hadn't been driven in almost 3 years and it started right up!"

the weather was great and it was nice to be where both gene and russ lived and loved life. the cemetery was decorated with flags by the graves of those who had served for us. i did a little salute to russ as i thanked him and all of the others who have served this country to keep us free.

a rough weekend

mother's day came and went. it was rougher than i thought. this was my first mother's day that i wasn't pre-occupied with russ since gene died so i really felt the absence of my mom. i have found myself crying at all sorts of little things lately that remind me of her.

it probably didn't help that i wasn't able to see either of my two boys on sunday either. mark had a final on sunday and matt had one monday so i told him to stay at school and study. i don't regret my decision but it was still awful lonely. it was nice to be with bob and his mom, but it wasn't the same, it wasn't MY mom. honestly, i think i would have been happier sitting home alone, feeling sorry for myself. it was the first mother's day since i've been a mother that i didn't spend it with my boys, or my mom, and the first one that really hit me that my mother is truly gone.

i went to the rescheduled "delayed grief" seminar a few weeks ago and it made me realize that that is what i'm going through. for so long my grief for gene was wrapped around taking care of russ that i put it off, avoided it, and probably even wanted to subconsciously. shortly after russ died there were things that needed taken care of but now i have nothing to occupy my idle time and wham, it's hitting me front and center. i know i have to walk through this grief and deal with it, that i can't go around it, yet i just want to move on and be happy again.

labor of love

this past weekend bob and i went up to door county to tend to some spring cleanup outside. with russ' deterioration, the past few years have slipped by without the yard work getting done, except what really needed it. understandably, it seemed only the bare necessities were done. last summer the bushes in front of gene & russ bedroom had pretty much died (maybe a foreshadowing???). we were hoping they would come back to life last summer but never seemed to. this past saturday morning was spent digging out the bushes. (above picture, if you look closely that is lake michigan in the top part of the picture - it is a gorgeous view from the bedroom window) i think we will probably just plant some grass seed and see how it looks, we can always do something different later. we spent some of saturday and most of sunday raking up dead leaves from under trees (that had collected a couple of years worth) as well as raking and carrying more brush and debris deep in the woods. we were both pretty tired and a little sore but i must say it made me feel good and i felt a great sense of accomplishment afterwards. SO much so i decided we will go back up this weekend and try to complete what we didn't have time to finish. both boys will be studying for finals this weekend and mark actually has a final on sunday so they will not be home. also, i figure i can feel close to gene knowing it is her gift from me this year and we will also stop and see bob's mom on our way home on sunday. i hope everyone has a nice mother's day weekend this year. i know it will be tough for many but know i'll be thinking of you all.

a wonderful weekend

i had wanted to post earlier but we have had some problems with our computer so.....
first of all, this picture is actually mine but it looks almost identical to chris'. i have to agree with lori and snick. this weekend was everything i had hoped it to be.

some people i told i was going away for the weekend to visit with some dear friends whom i had never met gave me a weird look, or were leary, my sister included. fortunately a few, bob, unk and my niece kimi supported me and seemed to understand. i never gave it a second thought. like lori said, we have been through so much with each other over the months, that i already knew you all SO well, the meeting face to face was just a formality.

everyone was just as i had pictured. lori, i've know you the longest and maybe the best as we went through our "week from hell" with flinty and our LO's, helen, russ and flinty's dad. you have that quiet strength and loving heart that i've always admired about you and it was great to be able to finally see it in person.

snick, you have a soft gentleness about you and i swear, you have the prettiest blue eyes i have ever seen.

ann, you have a comforting calmness about you that makes one just pour out their heart to you. thank you.

jackie, i have to admit, i didn't know you near as well but i enjoyed getting to know you and admire you so much for the wonderful and giving heart you have in caring for your mom. it was cute that "she remembered all of us" as well!

i surprised myself that i didn't get too emotional all weekend. even with some reminiscing about our journeys and struggles i did very well. it wasn't until i was getting ready to leave that the tears started to flow. i know it was because i just didn't want to leave.

i can't thank you all enough for the effort that was made by all of you to come. lori and ann for traveling great distances, snick for making 2 trips on sat and sun to join us and jackie for arranging to leave your mom for the weekend and then opening up your home to us. i will treasure this time we spent together forever and hope that we can do it again and have others join us. (we talked about you betsy and still can't figure out why you didn't change the wedding to chicago so we could come!)

i love you all!!!