a good week

after a rough weekend on mother's day, i was glad to have had a good couple of weeks. last wednesday my sister and i stopped in at the in-patient hospice unit where russ had stayed 2 times for respite and 2 times for symptom management. the nurses there were great with him and it was good to see a few of them again. sue and i had also decided to give some of the contributions we received after russ died to vitas hospice for the wonderful care he received from them. as a result, a plaque (albeit small) was placed on the wall of donations. the above pictures are of sue and i standing in front of the wall of plaques and a close up of his inscription. i especially like the "you done good" part.

we picked last wednesday to go as one of the nurses had called me over the previous weekend to say that their marketing people would be there to do a promotional video for physicians and families to see. they asked if i would be willing to be in the video and say something. i agreed not really knowing what i was agreeing to. what i thought would be a short thing turned out to be a 2 hour ordeal. i really didn't mind though as i got to see and be filmed with Dr. Q, who took care of russ when he was there, see and be filmed with a wonderful chaplin, also named russ, as well as see some of the nurses. sue was in the part of the filming with the chaplin but left the interaction with Dr. Q up to me as well as the personal testimony. i had to laugh for as long as i was there, the video crew was to be there 2 full days - all for a 2-4 min. video. i will probably be on 10-15 seconds but it was for a good cause. i made them promise to send me a copy. maybe i will be able to put it on my blog for you all to see. don't hold your breath though....

last weekend for memorial day we went up to door county. some of the grass seed bob and i planted is starting to sprout as well as the pachysandras we planted i think will make it. i was also thrilled to see the dafodills blooming. last fall, bob and i found them in the garage. they had to be at least 2+ years old at the time. gene would have bought them and never got them planted, i'm sure because russ wouldn't have understood what she wanted him to do. for the heck of it, we planted them and they all came up, just beautiful. i know gene is looking down smiling.





bob was also able to get russ' car started and running that had been sitting up there for over 2 1/2 years as well. i was about ready to just call someone to have it towed away but our neighbor has a plane and periodically flies up to door county and was looking for a car to drive when up there. bob said after he unlocked the wheels which had rusted shut (it was me that came up with the idea to use coke and whaala) and charged the battery, he got in and said, "ok russ, do you think it will start?" guess what, it started right up! bob said he can just hear russ telling everyone up in heaven "ya know i had this car that hadn't been driven in almost 3 years and it started right up!"

the weather was great and it was nice to be where both gene and russ lived and loved life. the cemetery was decorated with flags by the graves of those who had served for us. i did a little salute to russ as i thanked him and all of the others who have served this country to keep us free.

a rough weekend

mother's day came and went. it was rougher than i thought. this was my first mother's day that i wasn't pre-occupied with russ since gene died so i really felt the absence of my mom. i have found myself crying at all sorts of little things lately that remind me of her.

it probably didn't help that i wasn't able to see either of my two boys on sunday either. mark had a final on sunday and matt had one monday so i told him to stay at school and study. i don't regret my decision but it was still awful lonely. it was nice to be with bob and his mom, but it wasn't the same, it wasn't MY mom. honestly, i think i would have been happier sitting home alone, feeling sorry for myself. it was the first mother's day since i've been a mother that i didn't spend it with my boys, or my mom, and the first one that really hit me that my mother is truly gone.

i went to the rescheduled "delayed grief" seminar a few weeks ago and it made me realize that that is what i'm going through. for so long my grief for gene was wrapped around taking care of russ that i put it off, avoided it, and probably even wanted to subconsciously. shortly after russ died there were things that needed taken care of but now i have nothing to occupy my idle time and wham, it's hitting me front and center. i know i have to walk through this grief and deal with it, that i can't go around it, yet i just want to move on and be happy again.

labor of love

this past weekend bob and i went up to door county to tend to some spring cleanup outside. with russ' deterioration, the past few years have slipped by without the yard work getting done, except what really needed it. understandably, it seemed only the bare necessities were done. last summer the bushes in front of gene & russ bedroom had pretty much died (maybe a foreshadowing???). we were hoping they would come back to life last summer but never seemed to. this past saturday morning was spent digging out the bushes. (above picture, if you look closely that is lake michigan in the top part of the picture - it is a gorgeous view from the bedroom window) i think we will probably just plant some grass seed and see how it looks, we can always do something different later. we spent some of saturday and most of sunday raking up dead leaves from under trees (that had collected a couple of years worth) as well as raking and carrying more brush and debris deep in the woods. we were both pretty tired and a little sore but i must say it made me feel good and i felt a great sense of accomplishment afterwards. SO much so i decided we will go back up this weekend and try to complete what we didn't have time to finish. both boys will be studying for finals this weekend and mark actually has a final on sunday so they will not be home. also, i figure i can feel close to gene knowing it is her gift from me this year and we will also stop and see bob's mom on our way home on sunday. i hope everyone has a nice mother's day weekend this year. i know it will be tough for many but know i'll be thinking of you all.

a wonderful weekend

i had wanted to post earlier but we have had some problems with our computer so.....
first of all, this picture is actually mine but it looks almost identical to chris'. i have to agree with lori and snick. this weekend was everything i had hoped it to be.

some people i told i was going away for the weekend to visit with some dear friends whom i had never met gave me a weird look, or were leary, my sister included. fortunately a few, bob, unk and my niece kimi supported me and seemed to understand. i never gave it a second thought. like lori said, we have been through so much with each other over the months, that i already knew you all SO well, the meeting face to face was just a formality.

everyone was just as i had pictured. lori, i've know you the longest and maybe the best as we went through our "week from hell" with flinty and our LO's, helen, russ and flinty's dad. you have that quiet strength and loving heart that i've always admired about you and it was great to be able to finally see it in person.

snick, you have a soft gentleness about you and i swear, you have the prettiest blue eyes i have ever seen.

ann, you have a comforting calmness about you that makes one just pour out their heart to you. thank you.

jackie, i have to admit, i didn't know you near as well but i enjoyed getting to know you and admire you so much for the wonderful and giving heart you have in caring for your mom. it was cute that "she remembered all of us" as well!

i surprised myself that i didn't get too emotional all weekend. even with some reminiscing about our journeys and struggles i did very well. it wasn't until i was getting ready to leave that the tears started to flow. i know it was because i just didn't want to leave.

i can't thank you all enough for the effort that was made by all of you to come. lori and ann for traveling great distances, snick for making 2 trips on sat and sun to join us and jackie for arranging to leave your mom for the weekend and then opening up your home to us. i will treasure this time we spent together forever and hope that we can do it again and have others join us. (we talked about you betsy and still can't figure out why you didn't change the wedding to chicago so we could come!)

i love you all!!!

adjusting to work

i am finding with my new job that i am so exhausted when i get home. i don't have much energy. all i want to do is just veg out on the couch. i remember the last few months of russ' life, it seemed that all i did was sit on the couch next to him and frequently wish i could get up and do something else. now i long to get home and do nothing else!

after russ died, i took about 6 months off before getting back into the work force. and even for his last year of life i had cut down tremendously, only working part-time, maybe 2-3 days a week. i really needed that time off to grieve and regroup and am glad that i did so. however, getting back into the work mode, much less a new full time job in a brand new arena has been challenging. the first week and a half was necessary yet somewhat boring. going over standards and universal health care codes and policies; these were things that i had given to our employees over the years.

the last week and a half has been much better. i started shadowing different nurses who travel to the different hospitals. there we review charts and talk to the members(patients) about discharge needs and answer any questions they have. it has been extremely more stimulating and interesting. i have found myself reaching deep down into my old knowledge base, thinking, "oh yeah, i remember studying that or having taken care of someone with that so many years ago." i am also having to learn where in each hospital i need to go sign in, where charts are kept, and who are my resource people. so much information and such a little brain!!!! i'm walking about 3 miles a day which is great, that isn't what is wearing me out, it's the information overload. i have this upcoming week to follow my last 2 people and then hopefully i will find out which hospital(s) i will primarily be responsible for and be on my own. their thought is to get me familiar with all the milwaukee hospitals so if someone is sick or on vacation i can cover.

everyone i have worked with seems very nice and willing to help and answer my questions. they have made me feel very welcome which i appreciate. i am still optimistic that once i really feel comfortable doing this, it will be for me the flexibility that i desire. i hope this explains why i have been absent for awhile and hope to soon have more to post about. i still think of all of you often and hope you have a good week!

grief, mourning & healing

this afternoon i went to a seminar entitled grief, mourning & healing. i had heard about it through an e-mailing network i still receive from our business. it was given by patrick dean, a man who has done grief counseling for over 20 years and is the head of the milwaukee grief education center. it was excellent. maybe it wasn't necessarily new material but the way it was presented, and maybe also the stage i am in my grief, i was more ready to hear it and it certainly made an impact on me.

i am going to summarize of few of his key points not only to share with my fellow bloggers who are in the grieving process but also to record it for me, so i can have something to look back on.

grief is an internal experience where as mourning is how we exhibit our grief externally. grief is the bridge between who we were (before the death) and who we are becoming (following the death). mourning is the path to healing, how we move towards the healing.

grief is normal, natural and necessary. it is also universal yet totally unique.

through mourning, and the path towards healing, we are learning new ways to live with our necessary sadness. we are forever changed by the lives of those we loved. we need time to redefine who we are. i know as caregivers we can all acknowledge and agree with that.

the mere passage of time does not heal - it's what we do with that time. don't believe the saying, times heals all wounds, it doesn't, yet time softens and changes how we look at the loss. there is also no time limit to grief and loss. some losses are forever.

patrick was able to meet and visit with dr. elizabeth kubler-ross near the end of her life. she was the forerunner and pioneer to describing the phases one goes through with death and dying. patrick asked her if there was one thing he could pass on to bereavers as he gave workshops from her, what would she like it to be? he said she thought for a good 3-5 minutes and then answered. tell them "do the best you can and leave the rest of it up to whomever you deem your god to be." a very wise statement!

we need to work on finding our "new normal" in life. for death changes us forever so we should not look for a recovery but rather a reconciliation - learning to live with our loses. when we experience that momentary "spark" of life, we should try to build on it, nurture it into our "new normal."

though grief is hard, hopefully over time (and that will vary for each individual) thoughts become soft again, and a gentleness awaits us.
will i open my heart to an eternal love? a love no longer of this earth?
eventually, the stormy days and ways of grief will soften into something sad...AND beautiful.

"no one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear."
C.S. Lewis : A Grief Observed


this tuesday night patrick dean will be giving another talk on delayed grief. i am hopeful to attend that. i know i am experiencing that with my mom. i look forward to gaining insight into that as well.

Easter

(matt, mark and russ dying eggs 2 years ago in S.C.; my blogger egg; matt and mark dying eggs this year)





Easter has always been a time for being with family and friends. when i was little, i remember going to my grandparents. i can still remember getting a new dress with a bonnet. back then i didn't get dressed up a lot as i liked playing outside but when i did, i went all the way and dressed to the hilt. i remember my mom telling me how i not only wore the dress and bonnet on Easter, but also the lacy socks, patten leather shoes, a purse, and of course the little white gloves. i would walk around very carefully with my hands up (kinda like you see surgeons doing on tv) so as not to get my hands dirty. i can only imagine...

when my boys were little, i use to dress them up in matching outfits for Christmas, Easter and other special occasions. early on we use to go see russ & gene for Easter and when the boys were in late grade school we starting driving to S.C. (fripp island) for Easter with my sister's family and another family. we would rent a big house and spend spring break down there. 2 or 3 of the years russ and gene would join us. 2 years ago, we even took russ there with us. it was just the 5 of us. it was hard to hear him tell me what a beautiful area it was, and how glad he was to see it as this was someplace he had never visited before. i didn't have the heart to tell him differently. i am just so thankful that he enjoyed himself while in the moment.

last year, russ was unable to travel that far. or maybe the better explanation is that i didn't have the energy to try to take him there again and also didn't think the change in routine would be good for him.

this year, mark and matt have different spring breaks and with me just starting a job, it was also not meant to be. it will just be a quiet Easter. mark is still in arizona so we are down to 3; bob, matt and me.

like betsy posted, even though our kids are older, i still enjoy watching them dye Easter eggs and i think think they enjoy it as well. this year was no different. i had them dye them last weekend when they were both home. i asked them if i could do a few this year as well. the egg above is for all my blogger friends and their LO's who died this past year. i apologize for the poor handwriting but the thought is still there.

Easter is a time of rebirth and that is what i hope for myself and the rest of you. i pray that for all of us who have lost someone this past year we will continue to grow and figure out the purpose of our lives. for those of you still caregiving, please know you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers too.

as i look out the window at the 14+" of snow that was dumped here yesterday, the sun is out and it is a beautiful day. i hope for many more beautiful days, hopefully a lot more of them without snow! we are officially into spring so i look forward to the melting and greening up around here.

a Blessed Easter to you all!