grief

grief is so different and individualized. i remember after graduating from nursing school i was fortunate enough to hear Elizabeth Kubler-Ross speak twice. it was shortly after she had done all her research on death and dying and had identified the 5 stages a person may go through when facing death. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. she was fascinating to listen to and was so pertinent to my oncology nursing practice.

i have thought many times since russ died how the ones left behind also go through stages of grief. depending upon the circumstances of the death, sudden, drawn out, suicide, etc. there are many emotions that are apparent as well. for me i think i am finally dealing with my mom's death along with russ'.

i had mentioned over the summer that i am in a book club. last night was my big night, i was presenting research material and leading the discussion on the book i had picked. i have always loved to read yet since russ has died i have no real desire and when i attempt to read i can't focus and have no comprehension of what i've read. even something as simple as reading the morning newspaper has become an effort. needless to say it was an real struggle to finish the book and an effort to prepare for last night.

fortunately every one in the group was understanding and they are very opinionated and so the discussion pretty much led itself with me offering a few tidbits every so often.

i know in my heart this is my grief expressing itself. i will be patient and not push things. i am sure my desire and love for reading will come back to me in time. AND thanks terry for your insight into last night's discussion. we read john's grishom's "an innocent man" which took place in OK, not far from moore so i tapped into terry for his wealth of knowledge and insight.

wonderful keepsakes

about 2 weeks ago i received a DVD in the mail from unk entitled "2 trips, 2 funerals." it took me about a week to get up the courage to sit down and watch it. how glad i am that i finally did. on it contained pictures and short video clips of both my mom's and dad's funeral.

i remember unk having his camera and taking pictures at both of the funerals but had no idea the extent. here is a wonderful memory of 2 very painful times in my life yet i find it comforting as well. he captured so many things, the preparation for the funerals, people gathering at my parents home after both funerals, pictures of the funeral home, the church and the weather for each. he was even able to record the playing of taps at russ' funeral.

he did a wonderful job and i will always cherish it. thanks unk. i love ya!

happy birthday bob!

well, we are at the end of our october family birthdays. dare i say, the best was saved for last? i know bob would kid me and say that.

you never really know what you are going to get when you marry someone. i will be honest and say there have been a few hard times during our almost 25 year marriage but what marriage doesn't have trying times? overall it has been good, very, very good.

i think the last 2 years have really shown me what a wonderful caring man i was lucky enough to find and marry. i know that bob truly loves and cares for me, unconditionally. he has proven to me that when we took our vows he meant it when he said through good times and bad. i know it would have been extremely difficult for me to care for russ without the love and understanding of my husband. there were numerous times i would ask him, "are you ok with this?" or "are you sure we can do this?" never once did he pause or hesitate, it was always "absolutely, we're doing fine, it's not that bad." and he really felt that way.

i remember only 2 months before my mom died, both gene & russ were down visiting for christmas. gene was having a rough night as russ had had a bad day. without prior knowledge or discussions bob told my mom that we would always be here to help her with russ, that she shouldn't worry, we would do whatever it took to keep him safe and support her. she started crying as i know she was deeply touched by what he said. i was crying as well.

bob always stepped right up to whatever was thrown at him. whether it was russ thinking bob was the maintenance man, someone new to meet (almost on a daily basis) or frequently just "that guy" he was always there for russ. during the periods when russ was up MULTIPLE times during the night, bob would alternate getting up with me at bob's insistence. he never seemed to be rattled by the numerous repetitive questioning or russ needing help getting dressed or walking. as for cleaning up messes (you know the kind i mean), he never hesitated, and usually without gloves. now if that's not true love!

i remember always kidding my mom that russ always put her on a pedestal and would do whatever she asked, she was "the queen." well, i'm beginning to think i know just how she felt.

happy birthday bob. thank you for all your love and support. i love you!!!

have faith

the senior pastor at our church is retiring at the end of the month and yesterday was his last day to preach. he has been here 25 years and it was very emotional for him as well as the congregation. his sermon was taken from luke 18 1-8. he talked about never giving up hope and being persistent in prayer. even though God knows what we will be praying we still need to pray and have faith.

i learned this lesson while caring for russ. i prayed daily and multiple times at that. God did hear my prayers, and they were answered, in His time.

i continue to pray that God helps all my caregiver friends deal with whatever struggles they are facing. AD is a horrific disease and one that presents new challenges each day. i also pray that God will continue to give me the strength to get up each day and face the day with optimism and faith. God bless us all.

one month ago.....

today is the first month anniversary since russ died. even though i still have my days where i feel numb and have no energy (like i'm in a fog myself) i do think i've made great strides. this past week i have done more than i think the other 3 weeks combined. i took to heart lori's posting about feeling sorry for myself and time to get off the pity potty. as difficult as it is some days, i think it helped, so thank you lori!

i had two insightful conversations as well this past week. i know it was something i already knew but needed to hear it from someone else. for so long my life had been centered around helping others and caring. with my nursing background i think that came natural for me but more so it was the role model my mother showed me. she was not a nurse yet she cared for many over the course of her life. first her grandfather (my great grandfather) lived with us when i was in junior high school. next her mother (my nana) lived with us as she battled breast cancer. she even went out to california before my wedding to take care of unk after he had open heart surgery as he was between wives and had no health insurance. she was always there to lend a helping hand if new babies were born or people were sick. and of course, the last but certainly not least was the example of her caring for russ.

i have always admired and looked up to my mother and wanted to be just like her. as a really young girl people would ask me what i wanted to be when i grew up and i would look at her and say, "a mommy, just like mine." it seemed the natural thing to do and what i wanted to do for russ, maybe to pay back my mom for what she did her whole life and to make her proud. i am so glad i did, i have no regrets. it wasn't easy as we AD caregivers know but... now though my life feels empty, the boys are off at school and russ is no longer here. what is the purpose of my life? yes i can pretend to take care of bob but he has always been my rock, my strength. as russ deteriorated, i worked less and less outside the home.

bob's and my business is in the process of closing down. with all the changes in medicare reimbursement and medicare D, it is no longer profitable. this is another chapter in our lives that is changing. so until that is final, there is enough to do before i can look for a new path and dream to follow.

i have spoken with a friend from my support group that has no family in town and have offered my assistance to her when she feels at wits end. i say that as i know she will not take me up on my offer just as an excuse to get out. i know that as i've been there myself.

so for now i will concentrate on getting back to a productive life. i say that vs. normal because i will have to begin over the next few months to define what normal is for me. in the meantime, i will still have to deal with all the paper work yet to be resolved with russ' death. in time, in time........

happy birthday mark!

today is mark's (my youngest son's) birthday. he is 20. where has the time gone? i can't believe how fast they grow up. i still remember all too well how he used to run outside in his diaper to pick raspberries off the bushes in our backyard. or how he never liked to go to bed; he was always afraid he would miss something. most nights when bob and i got ready to go to bed we would find mark sound asleep on the upstairs landing. mark would climb out of his bed, but he didn't want us to know he had gotten out, so he wouldn't venture any further than the landing. most nights we heard him as it got to be a nightly ritual. or even from the age of about 3 he would get up and turn on sports center. he would later turn on sesame street but only after he had caught up on all the previous days activities.

mark has a pretty hectic class schedule on wednesdays so bob and i got up early and drove to madison to take him out for breakfast. even though it was short it was good to see him. i worry about him as i'm sure all moms do. he was close to russ and i wonder how much russ' death is affecting him. i know he has been struggling with some classes and they only advice i could give him is what others have told me. "give yourself time and take it one day at a time." hopefully he knows we are here for him.

i love you little buddy and hope you have a wonderful day. you're the best and i'm very proud of you!

for chris

i learned last night that a blogging friend lost her dad yesterday after about a 2 week struggle from a fall resulting in a subdural hematoma. that would be hard enough but about 2 months ago chris lost her mom to AD. what a terrible thing for anyone to have to experience. i know the loss i feel in losing both gene & russ in a little over a year and a half but 2 months time, that is unimaginable.

please say a prayer for chris and keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers. she always felt whenever she saw butterflies it was her mom surrounding her with her love. as hard as it is to accept, she now has 2 butterflies to remind her of their love for her. they are together again, where they belong.

God bless you chris and hold you close during this very difficult time.