please

please don't ask me if i'm over it yet. i'll never be "over it."

please don't tell me he/she is in a better place. he/she isn't here.

please don't say "at least he/she isn't suffering." i haven't come to terms with why he/she had to suffer at all.

please don't tell me you know how i feel, unless you have lost someone to ________.

please don't tell me to get on with my life. i'm still here, you'll notice.

please don't ask me if i feel better. bereavement isn't a conditions that "clears up."

please don't tell me "God never makes a mistake" or "it was God's will." you mean He did this on purpose?"

please don't tell me "at least you had him/her for ______years/months." what year would you choose for them to die?

please don't tell me God never gives you more than you can bear. who decides how much another person can bear?

PLEASE - just say you are sorry.

PLEASE - just say you remember him/her if you do.

PLEASE - just let me talk if i want to

PLEASE - just let me say his/her name without turning away or changing the subject.

PLEASE - let me cry when i must.


i was recently given a copy of this, and thought it was worth sharing.

fall and birthdays

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fall has always been one of my favorites times of the year. fall and summer run a close race for first. growing up the beginning of october was a special time as gene, russ and i would always share our birthdays together. and who doesn't love the beauty of watching the colors change on the trees and the cool crisp autumn breeze blowing across your face.

this year was a little tougher for me than i anticipated. it happened again, getting caught off guard when i least expected it. this was not the first year to celebrate my birthday alone yet i felt more alone this year than last. maybe i was still in shock last year as it was so close to russ death? maybe it just took me off guard and i wasn't prepared for it.

bob and i went up to door county for my birthday weekend 2 weekends ago. i have spent the majority of my adult birthdays up there so i wanted this year to be no different. the colors were just starting to change and driving around we were able to find some wonderful color. our boys and my sister and nieces called me to wish me a happy birthday which was nice yet somewhat expected. what wasn't was that unk and russ' sister helen also called. and i received an e-mail from gene and russ' close friends pete and janet. that meant a lot. maybe they knew deep down that i needed an extra boost that day. it sure helped. thank you all.

but i still have a family to celebrate october birthdays with, the dates just not as close together. next week bob has a birthday and today is mark's 21st! wow, how did my baby grow up so fast!?! i can't be getting older.... tonight we will drive to madison and take him out on the town. i know for a fact that he has been "indulging" before at school so this will not be his first. i called him last night at midnight and could hardly hear him, i think the celebration had officially started. but tonight will be special and fun. matt will join us as well as some of his cousins. i remember when matt turned 21 not quite two years ago. i was not able to partake in the celebration at the time due to caregiving commitments so i plan to definitely raise a glass tonight for both boys.


happy birthday mark!! i love you and am so proud of the young man you have become. i know there will be glass raising up above tonight as well!

1 year......

these flowers arrived today for me from russ' grandchildren. my sister also received some. we are very blessed.




the day i have dreaded has almost come to an end. it was ok and i did ok. understandably russ was on my mind most of the day. i did tear up a little bit a few times today but for the most part i tried to remember the good and fun times. russ would have wanted it that way.

this morning i went to menard's (like a lowe's or home depot) with bob. he looked at me funny when i asked but russ always loved going to stores like that. i spent my time going up and down the aisles pretending to kick a football. that was something russ and i used to pretend to do to pass the time or just be silly.

it was a beautiful day here today so for part of the afternoon bob and i lounged in the pool on some floats, not necessarily something russ would have done but i found it extremely relaxing.

for dinner we had burgers on the grill, corn on the cob and kraft macaroni and cheese, definitely one of russ' favorites.

thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who posted on my blog, e-mailed me or called today. i am overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of you all and am truly touched and grateful. i definitely felt the love and support of you all.

flinty, you are now in my thoughts and prayers.

anticipation

this week approaching is one i have dreaded for the past year. yet it is also one that i have wished would come and go months ago. but one thing i have learned through this journey after alzheimer's is that you can't ignore or deny your feelings. you can't go around them either but must travel through them, no matter how painful that might be.

a few months ago i was finally feeling like i was able to get a good night's sleep again and wake up feeling refreshed and rested. these past two weeks i have returned to my restless interrupted sleep cycle. bob has noticed it. i feel bad because i'm sure with all my tossing and turning he is not getting his well deserved sleep.

it is no secret to me as to the reason. in less than a week will mark the 1 year anniversary since russ died. i have found myself these past few weeks re-reading my previous entries from a year ago and reliving his final days again. i know in my heart that he is in a better place but i still miss russ. lori has said it best when she said, it's not about them, it's about me and how i feel and grieve for him.

i am also finding myself reflecting on this past year and what i have done with my life. the first half year i took off to regroup you might say and then begin a job search. these past 6 months i returned to the job force but can't say i really feel fulfilled. it is just a job. i am searching again like i did a year ago to find myself and my purpose. what do i want to do with my life? what will make me happy yet help others? i want to find a job that feels rewarding to me and one that i am making a difference in people's life. kinda like i guess i felt taking care of russ.

these feelings i am experiencing are nothing that others haven't felt before me and that millions of others will feel after me. i will get through it i know and be a stronger person for it. i know i have God at my side and He will carry me through.

the olympics

i have been glued to the tv ever since the olympics started. it was always a big deal growing up to sit in front of the tv and watch the olympics. i am ever amazed how much more the media is able to cover and telecast compared to years past. i remember fondly watching mark spitz win his 7 gold metals in 1972. i myself use to swim competitively so he was a real idol of mine. to see michael phelps break those records was a little bittersweet. yet truly an awesome accomplishment, my hat goes off to him.

i also remember when rhythmic gymnastics first became part of the olympics. i don't remember the year but i do remember my families reaction. we actually thought it was a little silly. i still have vivid memories of russ, sue and i attempting to imitate some of their routines with the flags or ball and remember gene standing watching us; first giggling at our attempts and then judging us. i'm going to have to see if i can find some of those pictures. such good memories.

our week in door county was good, just too short. the weather and water was wonderful. SO relaxing and peaceful. it was wonderful to spend time with bob, matt and mark, just the 4 of us. you never know when things will change so i cherish every moment we spend as our little family.

at times it was still hard, realizing that both my parents are now gone, that russ wasn't back in respite waiting for me. it was also somewhat hurtful at times in people's reaction or should i say lack of reaction to seeing me for the first time since russ died but i got through it. people react and grieve differently and life goes on.

11 months

preparation

why is it that when we go on vacation it always takes to much preparation to do it? there are so many loose ends to tie up before you can go. there is the mail and paper to stop, plants and pets to worry about, cleaning out the refrigerator, not to mention laundry and packing and lists upon lists of things so that you don't forget things.

as least that is the case with me. i am usually exhausted by the time i get somewhere that i spend the first day or two trying to catch up on my sleep. i'm sure it doesn't help that my basic personality is to be a procrastinator. why do something today when you can do it tomorrow? i have always been that way but the older i get the harder it is.

even now i am doing that. i meant to blog last night but decided to watch the brewers game first. then i needed to finish up with work i had brought home. that took me past midnight. ahh, there's always the morning to pack. i am up now but decided to blog first, then i will pack. guess whatever is thrown in at the last minute is what i will wear for the week. the nice thing is we are going up to door county for the week. there is no real agenda up there, i don't tend to need many if any dress clothes. a bathing suit, shorts, tops and maybe pants in case it gets cool.

it will be wonderful to get up there and spend a week. so very relaxing and peaceful, and close to gene and russ. we are shooting to leave in 2 hours so i better go and start packing and check my lists. i hope everyone has a peaceful week.

7/20

yesterday came and went and i almost, (key word almost) didn't realize what day it was. i have now reached the 10 month mark since russ died. i did well and felt at peace for the most part. i listened to frank sinatra and smiled as i thought of both russ and gene. the more i think about it, it was a really good day all in all.

bob and i had a wonderful little get-a-way. i hope to blog about it and post some pictures soon.