time to end

as some have done before me, and others will after me, i think the time has come to stop blogging, at least on this blog.

this blog was a life line to me during a very painful time in my life and i honestly don't know how i would have survived without this blog and all the wonderful friends i met and the love and support i received from all of you.

in just 2 weeks it will be the third anniversary of gene's death. from that day forward, my life drastically changed forever, and my new life with caring for a parent with AD began. but that stage too ended 16 months ago. life does go on, and it's time for me to really focus on the future.

i, like others, will continue to check in with everyone as i have been doing. but to be honest, the frequency of my posts have drastically decreased over time so it's time. i had thought about it when lori and flinty stopped but now something is telling me that it is really time now. i can't quite bring myself to delete my blog so it will remain up. maybe someone will come across it who can find some answers or get some help from reading it.

again, the bond that was formed with all of you will never be forgotten or broken. i love you all and wish you nothing but peace, love, strength, health and happiness; today and always. God bless us all!

p.s. rabbit rabbit.

december

this has been a strange month. before the first week of december had ended i expreienced 3 snowstorms in wisconsin. for the past week i have been in florida, and i might add, i hated the thought of coming home. bob attended the national pharmacy convention and i tagged along. only i didn't go to the meetings with him but rather vegged out by the pool and read. it was wonderful, and very relaxing, and something i really think i needed. it gave me a good chance to think and reflect on my life and even with the tough times i've had, how blessed i really am. and it made me realize i am even more motivated to try and find a different job in nursing that makes me feel fulfilled and one in which i'm truly helping others.

the weather was wonderful, high 60's when we arrived, the next 2 days in the mid 70's and the last 3 days in the low 80's. such a change from what i had just left. i must admit though, for a girl who has grown up in the midwest with snow, it was a little surreal for me to listen to Christmas carols as i was laying out by the pool in a lounge chair! something didn't quite compute...

but alas, realtity set in and i had to return to reality and my real life yesterday. i am now back in wisconsin where we are suppose to get another snowfall by morning. i must admit though, it does look like Christmas here. yesterday and today i spent decorating. i have never waited this late to start but with thanksgiving being late and then between work and trying to get ready to go to florida, it just didn't happen before i left. so, yesterday i started. today bob and i went out and cut down a Christmas tree, brought it home and decorated it so it looks like Christmas inside as well. i decided to cut back on the inside decorations again. the last 2 years i haven't gotten everything out and it makes the putting away easier. my boys are older now, not home for that long to enjoy it all and to be honest, they haven't really noticed that i've forgotten a few things each year. i'm not sure bob has either so.....

don't

don't tell me that you understand,
don't tell me that you know...
don't tell me that i will surely survive,
how i will surely grow...

don't tell me this is just a test,
that i am truly blessed...
that i am chosen for the task,
apart from all the rest...

don't come at me with answers,
that can only come from me...
don't tell me how my grief will pass,
that i will soon be free...

don't stand in pious judgment,
of the bonds that i must untie...
don't tell me how to suffer,
and don't tell me how to cry....

my life is filled with selfishness,
my pain is all i see...
but i need you, i need your love,
unconditionally....

accept me in my up's and down's,
i need someone to share....
just hold my hand and let me cry,
and say, my friend, i care...

author unknown


i had received this the same time i did the "please" i posted previously.

please

please don't ask me if i'm over it yet. i'll never be "over it."

please don't tell me he/she is in a better place. he/she isn't here.

please don't say "at least he/she isn't suffering." i haven't come to terms with why he/she had to suffer at all.

please don't tell me you know how i feel, unless you have lost someone to ________.

please don't tell me to get on with my life. i'm still here, you'll notice.

please don't ask me if i feel better. bereavement isn't a conditions that "clears up."

please don't tell me "God never makes a mistake" or "it was God's will." you mean He did this on purpose?"

please don't tell me "at least you had him/her for ______years/months." what year would you choose for them to die?

please don't tell me God never gives you more than you can bear. who decides how much another person can bear?

PLEASE - just say you are sorry.

PLEASE - just say you remember him/her if you do.

PLEASE - just let me talk if i want to

PLEASE - just let me say his/her name without turning away or changing the subject.

PLEASE - let me cry when i must.


i was recently given a copy of this, and thought it was worth sharing.

fall and birthdays

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fall has always been one of my favorites times of the year. fall and summer run a close race for first. growing up the beginning of october was a special time as gene, russ and i would always share our birthdays together. and who doesn't love the beauty of watching the colors change on the trees and the cool crisp autumn breeze blowing across your face.

this year was a little tougher for me than i anticipated. it happened again, getting caught off guard when i least expected it. this was not the first year to celebrate my birthday alone yet i felt more alone this year than last. maybe i was still in shock last year as it was so close to russ death? maybe it just took me off guard and i wasn't prepared for it.

bob and i went up to door county for my birthday weekend 2 weekends ago. i have spent the majority of my adult birthdays up there so i wanted this year to be no different. the colors were just starting to change and driving around we were able to find some wonderful color. our boys and my sister and nieces called me to wish me a happy birthday which was nice yet somewhat expected. what wasn't was that unk and russ' sister helen also called. and i received an e-mail from gene and russ' close friends pete and janet. that meant a lot. maybe they knew deep down that i needed an extra boost that day. it sure helped. thank you all.

but i still have a family to celebrate october birthdays with, the dates just not as close together. next week bob has a birthday and today is mark's 21st! wow, how did my baby grow up so fast!?! i can't be getting older.... tonight we will drive to madison and take him out on the town. i know for a fact that he has been "indulging" before at school so this will not be his first. i called him last night at midnight and could hardly hear him, i think the celebration had officially started. but tonight will be special and fun. matt will join us as well as some of his cousins. i remember when matt turned 21 not quite two years ago. i was not able to partake in the celebration at the time due to caregiving commitments so i plan to definitely raise a glass tonight for both boys.


happy birthday mark!! i love you and am so proud of the young man you have become. i know there will be glass raising up above tonight as well!

1 year......

these flowers arrived today for me from russ' grandchildren. my sister also received some. we are very blessed.




the day i have dreaded has almost come to an end. it was ok and i did ok. understandably russ was on my mind most of the day. i did tear up a little bit a few times today but for the most part i tried to remember the good and fun times. russ would have wanted it that way.

this morning i went to menard's (like a lowe's or home depot) with bob. he looked at me funny when i asked but russ always loved going to stores like that. i spent my time going up and down the aisles pretending to kick a football. that was something russ and i used to pretend to do to pass the time or just be silly.

it was a beautiful day here today so for part of the afternoon bob and i lounged in the pool on some floats, not necessarily something russ would have done but i found it extremely relaxing.

for dinner we had burgers on the grill, corn on the cob and kraft macaroni and cheese, definitely one of russ' favorites.

thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who posted on my blog, e-mailed me or called today. i am overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of you all and am truly touched and grateful. i definitely felt the love and support of you all.

flinty, you are now in my thoughts and prayers.

anticipation

this week approaching is one i have dreaded for the past year. yet it is also one that i have wished would come and go months ago. but one thing i have learned through this journey after alzheimer's is that you can't ignore or deny your feelings. you can't go around them either but must travel through them, no matter how painful that might be.

a few months ago i was finally feeling like i was able to get a good night's sleep again and wake up feeling refreshed and rested. these past two weeks i have returned to my restless interrupted sleep cycle. bob has noticed it. i feel bad because i'm sure with all my tossing and turning he is not getting his well deserved sleep.

it is no secret to me as to the reason. in less than a week will mark the 1 year anniversary since russ died. i have found myself these past few weeks re-reading my previous entries from a year ago and reliving his final days again. i know in my heart that he is in a better place but i still miss russ. lori has said it best when she said, it's not about them, it's about me and how i feel and grieve for him.

i am also finding myself reflecting on this past year and what i have done with my life. the first half year i took off to regroup you might say and then begin a job search. these past 6 months i returned to the job force but can't say i really feel fulfilled. it is just a job. i am searching again like i did a year ago to find myself and my purpose. what do i want to do with my life? what will make me happy yet help others? i want to find a job that feels rewarding to me and one that i am making a difference in people's life. kinda like i guess i felt taking care of russ.

these feelings i am experiencing are nothing that others haven't felt before me and that millions of others will feel after me. i will get through it i know and be a stronger person for it. i know i have God at my side and He will carry me through.

the olympics

i have been glued to the tv ever since the olympics started. it was always a big deal growing up to sit in front of the tv and watch the olympics. i am ever amazed how much more the media is able to cover and telecast compared to years past. i remember fondly watching mark spitz win his 7 gold metals in 1972. i myself use to swim competitively so he was a real idol of mine. to see michael phelps break those records was a little bittersweet. yet truly an awesome accomplishment, my hat goes off to him.

i also remember when rhythmic gymnastics first became part of the olympics. i don't remember the year but i do remember my families reaction. we actually thought it was a little silly. i still have vivid memories of russ, sue and i attempting to imitate some of their routines with the flags or ball and remember gene standing watching us; first giggling at our attempts and then judging us. i'm going to have to see if i can find some of those pictures. such good memories.

our week in door county was good, just too short. the weather and water was wonderful. SO relaxing and peaceful. it was wonderful to spend time with bob, matt and mark, just the 4 of us. you never know when things will change so i cherish every moment we spend as our little family.

at times it was still hard, realizing that both my parents are now gone, that russ wasn't back in respite waiting for me. it was also somewhat hurtful at times in people's reaction or should i say lack of reaction to seeing me for the first time since russ died but i got through it. people react and grieve differently and life goes on.

11 months

preparation

why is it that when we go on vacation it always takes to much preparation to do it? there are so many loose ends to tie up before you can go. there is the mail and paper to stop, plants and pets to worry about, cleaning out the refrigerator, not to mention laundry and packing and lists upon lists of things so that you don't forget things.

as least that is the case with me. i am usually exhausted by the time i get somewhere that i spend the first day or two trying to catch up on my sleep. i'm sure it doesn't help that my basic personality is to be a procrastinator. why do something today when you can do it tomorrow? i have always been that way but the older i get the harder it is.

even now i am doing that. i meant to blog last night but decided to watch the brewers game first. then i needed to finish up with work i had brought home. that took me past midnight. ahh, there's always the morning to pack. i am up now but decided to blog first, then i will pack. guess whatever is thrown in at the last minute is what i will wear for the week. the nice thing is we are going up to door county for the week. there is no real agenda up there, i don't tend to need many if any dress clothes. a bathing suit, shorts, tops and maybe pants in case it gets cool.

it will be wonderful to get up there and spend a week. so very relaxing and peaceful, and close to gene and russ. we are shooting to leave in 2 hours so i better go and start packing and check my lists. i hope everyone has a peaceful week.

7/20

yesterday came and went and i almost, (key word almost) didn't realize what day it was. i have now reached the 10 month mark since russ died. i did well and felt at peace for the most part. i listened to frank sinatra and smiled as i thought of both russ and gene. the more i think about it, it was a really good day all in all.

bob and i had a wonderful little get-a-way. i hope to blog about it and post some pictures soon.

blogging

terry posted last week that he had been blogging for a year. it stuck me as i had been starting to think of that as well. how my life has changed in a year. i created my blog on july 10th last year and posted my first official post on july 16th. i find that really strange that i did not remember the date, the 16th, since it is bob's and mine anniversary. unk and dunk had come for a visit last year to give us some respite. we were unable to get away on our anniversary as planned as work interfered for bob so i spent the day creating my first real post. things were really hectic a year ago at this time. looking back, russ was really starting to spiral downward, yet at the time i had no idea what the future would hold. i only knew that in order to keep my sanity i needed to start writing down my thoughts and reach out to others who were in a similar situation to mine.

what a lifesaver this blog has been for me. 1 year ago i would count the hours until i get on the computer to capture my thoughts and check in on others, especially lori and terry, who were going through similar issues. soon, others joined, like betsy and chris, and stef to name a few. after that i met up with other wonderful caring caregivers. it was here i could open my heart and soul and not be judged but be understood. now my life is so different, i no longer am caregiving. i obviously don't post as often as i did then, yet i'm not ready to give up on my posting all together. a part of me still needs this outlet and i also need to stay connected to all of you who helped me through a very difficult time in my life.

this year will be different. i will not be posting on the 16th. unk & dunk will not be here to provide respite as there is no need this year. it is our 25th anniversary and bob and i are leaving tomorrow for a few days of r&r. i'm really looking forward to it yet i know we will talk quite a bit about russ and our journey with him. you see, every year since we have gotten married, on our anniversary we evaluate and rate the past year. the first year of our marriage we saw the play, "same time next year." in it a couple meet, have an affair, and agree to meet each other at the "same time, next year." during their yearly reunions they discuss what went on in their separate lives. we decided to do a takeoff of that, not to have an affair, but to talk about the prior year. every year we each think about and tell each other what was they best and worst thing about the prior year. obviously some years have had more joys and or sorrows. this year will be no different.

i'm back.....

it's hard to believe that i have been away from my blog for so long. it's not that i haven't checked in with some or most of my friends blogs from time to time because i have. but for me, i guess i was just at a time when i needed a break. a lot was going on in my life and something had to give and i guess it was my blog. plus, for awhile i didn't even have the energy to think about what to blog about.

i have been at my job for about 3 months now and i am starting to feel more comfortable in what i do. the nurse that sits next to me, my cubicle buddy, has only been there about 3 weeks and i'm surprising myself that i have been able to answer the majority of the questions she asks me.

so how do i like the job? well, as with most jobs there are good things and bad. the people i work with for the most part are very nice. i especially like when i interact with the patients. there is a really difficult case with a young mom pregnant with her second and in the hospital more than not with hyperemesis (constant vomiting from being pregnant). twice i have been asked to sit down with the staff nurses and MD to brainstorm how we can help her and keep her out of the hospital. that part i really enjoy, not that she is sick, but trying to figure out ways to make things easier. it makes me realize that that is what caregivers, especially to a LO with AD, do on a daily basis; try to figure out how to make the best out a difficult situation that you know won't get better.

one of my most difficult adjustments to work has been changing from owning your own business and making the decisions to working for a big company and having to keep my mouth shut when i see how they mismanage things on a day to day basis. it's then that i'm glad i'm out the door every mid to late morning to go to the hospitals to see all the sick people.

i've also been going to a grief support group through the hospice russ used. it has been good. some weeks i walk away thinking i'm doing pretty good and other weeks i drive home with tears streaming down my face the entire drive home and then just collaspe in bed. all in all, i know it's something i have to work through and can't deny that i have gone through a huge amount of life changes in the past 2+ years.

i hope to catch up with all your blogs in the next week. thanks (i hope) for understanding my need to pull back for awhile. please know that even though i was absent for a time you all continued to be in my thoughts and prayers. you are a very special group.

a good week

after a rough weekend on mother's day, i was glad to have had a good couple of weeks. last wednesday my sister and i stopped in at the in-patient hospice unit where russ had stayed 2 times for respite and 2 times for symptom management. the nurses there were great with him and it was good to see a few of them again. sue and i had also decided to give some of the contributions we received after russ died to vitas hospice for the wonderful care he received from them. as a result, a plaque (albeit small) was placed on the wall of donations. the above pictures are of sue and i standing in front of the wall of plaques and a close up of his inscription. i especially like the "you done good" part.

we picked last wednesday to go as one of the nurses had called me over the previous weekend to say that their marketing people would be there to do a promotional video for physicians and families to see. they asked if i would be willing to be in the video and say something. i agreed not really knowing what i was agreeing to. what i thought would be a short thing turned out to be a 2 hour ordeal. i really didn't mind though as i got to see and be filmed with Dr. Q, who took care of russ when he was there, see and be filmed with a wonderful chaplin, also named russ, as well as see some of the nurses. sue was in the part of the filming with the chaplin but left the interaction with Dr. Q up to me as well as the personal testimony. i had to laugh for as long as i was there, the video crew was to be there 2 full days - all for a 2-4 min. video. i will probably be on 10-15 seconds but it was for a good cause. i made them promise to send me a copy. maybe i will be able to put it on my blog for you all to see. don't hold your breath though....

last weekend for memorial day we went up to door county. some of the grass seed bob and i planted is starting to sprout as well as the pachysandras we planted i think will make it. i was also thrilled to see the dafodills blooming. last fall, bob and i found them in the garage. they had to be at least 2+ years old at the time. gene would have bought them and never got them planted, i'm sure because russ wouldn't have understood what she wanted him to do. for the heck of it, we planted them and they all came up, just beautiful. i know gene is looking down smiling.





bob was also able to get russ' car started and running that had been sitting up there for over 2 1/2 years as well. i was about ready to just call someone to have it towed away but our neighbor has a plane and periodically flies up to door county and was looking for a car to drive when up there. bob said after he unlocked the wheels which had rusted shut (it was me that came up with the idea to use coke and whaala) and charged the battery, he got in and said, "ok russ, do you think it will start?" guess what, it started right up! bob said he can just hear russ telling everyone up in heaven "ya know i had this car that hadn't been driven in almost 3 years and it started right up!"

the weather was great and it was nice to be where both gene and russ lived and loved life. the cemetery was decorated with flags by the graves of those who had served for us. i did a little salute to russ as i thanked him and all of the others who have served this country to keep us free.

a rough weekend

mother's day came and went. it was rougher than i thought. this was my first mother's day that i wasn't pre-occupied with russ since gene died so i really felt the absence of my mom. i have found myself crying at all sorts of little things lately that remind me of her.

it probably didn't help that i wasn't able to see either of my two boys on sunday either. mark had a final on sunday and matt had one monday so i told him to stay at school and study. i don't regret my decision but it was still awful lonely. it was nice to be with bob and his mom, but it wasn't the same, it wasn't MY mom. honestly, i think i would have been happier sitting home alone, feeling sorry for myself. it was the first mother's day since i've been a mother that i didn't spend it with my boys, or my mom, and the first one that really hit me that my mother is truly gone.

i went to the rescheduled "delayed grief" seminar a few weeks ago and it made me realize that that is what i'm going through. for so long my grief for gene was wrapped around taking care of russ that i put it off, avoided it, and probably even wanted to subconsciously. shortly after russ died there were things that needed taken care of but now i have nothing to occupy my idle time and wham, it's hitting me front and center. i know i have to walk through this grief and deal with it, that i can't go around it, yet i just want to move on and be happy again.

labor of love

this past weekend bob and i went up to door county to tend to some spring cleanup outside. with russ' deterioration, the past few years have slipped by without the yard work getting done, except what really needed it. understandably, it seemed only the bare necessities were done. last summer the bushes in front of gene & russ bedroom had pretty much died (maybe a foreshadowing???). we were hoping they would come back to life last summer but never seemed to. this past saturday morning was spent digging out the bushes. (above picture, if you look closely that is lake michigan in the top part of the picture - it is a gorgeous view from the bedroom window) i think we will probably just plant some grass seed and see how it looks, we can always do something different later. we spent some of saturday and most of sunday raking up dead leaves from under trees (that had collected a couple of years worth) as well as raking and carrying more brush and debris deep in the woods. we were both pretty tired and a little sore but i must say it made me feel good and i felt a great sense of accomplishment afterwards. SO much so i decided we will go back up this weekend and try to complete what we didn't have time to finish. both boys will be studying for finals this weekend and mark actually has a final on sunday so they will not be home. also, i figure i can feel close to gene knowing it is her gift from me this year and we will also stop and see bob's mom on our way home on sunday. i hope everyone has a nice mother's day weekend this year. i know it will be tough for many but know i'll be thinking of you all.

a wonderful weekend

i had wanted to post earlier but we have had some problems with our computer so.....
first of all, this picture is actually mine but it looks almost identical to chris'. i have to agree with lori and snick. this weekend was everything i had hoped it to be.

some people i told i was going away for the weekend to visit with some dear friends whom i had never met gave me a weird look, or were leary, my sister included. fortunately a few, bob, unk and my niece kimi supported me and seemed to understand. i never gave it a second thought. like lori said, we have been through so much with each other over the months, that i already knew you all SO well, the meeting face to face was just a formality.

everyone was just as i had pictured. lori, i've know you the longest and maybe the best as we went through our "week from hell" with flinty and our LO's, helen, russ and flinty's dad. you have that quiet strength and loving heart that i've always admired about you and it was great to be able to finally see it in person.

snick, you have a soft gentleness about you and i swear, you have the prettiest blue eyes i have ever seen.

ann, you have a comforting calmness about you that makes one just pour out their heart to you. thank you.

jackie, i have to admit, i didn't know you near as well but i enjoyed getting to know you and admire you so much for the wonderful and giving heart you have in caring for your mom. it was cute that "she remembered all of us" as well!

i surprised myself that i didn't get too emotional all weekend. even with some reminiscing about our journeys and struggles i did very well. it wasn't until i was getting ready to leave that the tears started to flow. i know it was because i just didn't want to leave.

i can't thank you all enough for the effort that was made by all of you to come. lori and ann for traveling great distances, snick for making 2 trips on sat and sun to join us and jackie for arranging to leave your mom for the weekend and then opening up your home to us. i will treasure this time we spent together forever and hope that we can do it again and have others join us. (we talked about you betsy and still can't figure out why you didn't change the wedding to chicago so we could come!)

i love you all!!!

adjusting to work

i am finding with my new job that i am so exhausted when i get home. i don't have much energy. all i want to do is just veg out on the couch. i remember the last few months of russ' life, it seemed that all i did was sit on the couch next to him and frequently wish i could get up and do something else. now i long to get home and do nothing else!

after russ died, i took about 6 months off before getting back into the work force. and even for his last year of life i had cut down tremendously, only working part-time, maybe 2-3 days a week. i really needed that time off to grieve and regroup and am glad that i did so. however, getting back into the work mode, much less a new full time job in a brand new arena has been challenging. the first week and a half was necessary yet somewhat boring. going over standards and universal health care codes and policies; these were things that i had given to our employees over the years.

the last week and a half has been much better. i started shadowing different nurses who travel to the different hospitals. there we review charts and talk to the members(patients) about discharge needs and answer any questions they have. it has been extremely more stimulating and interesting. i have found myself reaching deep down into my old knowledge base, thinking, "oh yeah, i remember studying that or having taken care of someone with that so many years ago." i am also having to learn where in each hospital i need to go sign in, where charts are kept, and who are my resource people. so much information and such a little brain!!!! i'm walking about 3 miles a day which is great, that isn't what is wearing me out, it's the information overload. i have this upcoming week to follow my last 2 people and then hopefully i will find out which hospital(s) i will primarily be responsible for and be on my own. their thought is to get me familiar with all the milwaukee hospitals so if someone is sick or on vacation i can cover.

everyone i have worked with seems very nice and willing to help and answer my questions. they have made me feel very welcome which i appreciate. i am still optimistic that once i really feel comfortable doing this, it will be for me the flexibility that i desire. i hope this explains why i have been absent for awhile and hope to soon have more to post about. i still think of all of you often and hope you have a good week!

grief, mourning & healing

this afternoon i went to a seminar entitled grief, mourning & healing. i had heard about it through an e-mailing network i still receive from our business. it was given by patrick dean, a man who has done grief counseling for over 20 years and is the head of the milwaukee grief education center. it was excellent. maybe it wasn't necessarily new material but the way it was presented, and maybe also the stage i am in my grief, i was more ready to hear it and it certainly made an impact on me.

i am going to summarize of few of his key points not only to share with my fellow bloggers who are in the grieving process but also to record it for me, so i can have something to look back on.

grief is an internal experience where as mourning is how we exhibit our grief externally. grief is the bridge between who we were (before the death) and who we are becoming (following the death). mourning is the path to healing, how we move towards the healing.

grief is normal, natural and necessary. it is also universal yet totally unique.

through mourning, and the path towards healing, we are learning new ways to live with our necessary sadness. we are forever changed by the lives of those we loved. we need time to redefine who we are. i know as caregivers we can all acknowledge and agree with that.

the mere passage of time does not heal - it's what we do with that time. don't believe the saying, times heals all wounds, it doesn't, yet time softens and changes how we look at the loss. there is also no time limit to grief and loss. some losses are forever.

patrick was able to meet and visit with dr. elizabeth kubler-ross near the end of her life. she was the forerunner and pioneer to describing the phases one goes through with death and dying. patrick asked her if there was one thing he could pass on to bereavers as he gave workshops from her, what would she like it to be? he said she thought for a good 3-5 minutes and then answered. tell them "do the best you can and leave the rest of it up to whomever you deem your god to be." a very wise statement!

we need to work on finding our "new normal" in life. for death changes us forever so we should not look for a recovery but rather a reconciliation - learning to live with our loses. when we experience that momentary "spark" of life, we should try to build on it, nurture it into our "new normal."

though grief is hard, hopefully over time (and that will vary for each individual) thoughts become soft again, and a gentleness awaits us.
will i open my heart to an eternal love? a love no longer of this earth?
eventually, the stormy days and ways of grief will soften into something sad...AND beautiful.

"no one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear."
C.S. Lewis : A Grief Observed


this tuesday night patrick dean will be giving another talk on delayed grief. i am hopeful to attend that. i know i am experiencing that with my mom. i look forward to gaining insight into that as well.

Easter

(matt, mark and russ dying eggs 2 years ago in S.C.; my blogger egg; matt and mark dying eggs this year)





Easter has always been a time for being with family and friends. when i was little, i remember going to my grandparents. i can still remember getting a new dress with a bonnet. back then i didn't get dressed up a lot as i liked playing outside but when i did, i went all the way and dressed to the hilt. i remember my mom telling me how i not only wore the dress and bonnet on Easter, but also the lacy socks, patten leather shoes, a purse, and of course the little white gloves. i would walk around very carefully with my hands up (kinda like you see surgeons doing on tv) so as not to get my hands dirty. i can only imagine...

when my boys were little, i use to dress them up in matching outfits for Christmas, Easter and other special occasions. early on we use to go see russ & gene for Easter and when the boys were in late grade school we starting driving to S.C. (fripp island) for Easter with my sister's family and another family. we would rent a big house and spend spring break down there. 2 or 3 of the years russ and gene would join us. 2 years ago, we even took russ there with us. it was just the 5 of us. it was hard to hear him tell me what a beautiful area it was, and how glad he was to see it as this was someplace he had never visited before. i didn't have the heart to tell him differently. i am just so thankful that he enjoyed himself while in the moment.

last year, russ was unable to travel that far. or maybe the better explanation is that i didn't have the energy to try to take him there again and also didn't think the change in routine would be good for him.

this year, mark and matt have different spring breaks and with me just starting a job, it was also not meant to be. it will just be a quiet Easter. mark is still in arizona so we are down to 3; bob, matt and me.

like betsy posted, even though our kids are older, i still enjoy watching them dye Easter eggs and i think think they enjoy it as well. this year was no different. i had them dye them last weekend when they were both home. i asked them if i could do a few this year as well. the egg above is for all my blogger friends and their LO's who died this past year. i apologize for the poor handwriting but the thought is still there.

Easter is a time of rebirth and that is what i hope for myself and the rest of you. i pray that for all of us who have lost someone this past year we will continue to grow and figure out the purpose of our lives. for those of you still caregiving, please know you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers too.

as i look out the window at the 14+" of snow that was dumped here yesterday, the sun is out and it is a beautiful day. i hope for many more beautiful days, hopefully a lot more of them without snow! we are officially into spring so i look forward to the melting and greening up around here.

a Blessed Easter to you all!

6 months

today was 6 months since russ died. i can truthfully say that i had an ok time with it. i was ever conscious of the fact but i was not sad, i felt at peace. maybe i am finally starting to get over this heaviness of grief. even if it is short lived, i am grateful for today. today was the first anniversary of sorts i felt like smiling as i remembered. today was good. thank you God.