1 year......

these flowers arrived today for me from russ' grandchildren. my sister also received some. we are very blessed.




the day i have dreaded has almost come to an end. it was ok and i did ok. understandably russ was on my mind most of the day. i did tear up a little bit a few times today but for the most part i tried to remember the good and fun times. russ would have wanted it that way.

this morning i went to menard's (like a lowe's or home depot) with bob. he looked at me funny when i asked but russ always loved going to stores like that. i spent my time going up and down the aisles pretending to kick a football. that was something russ and i used to pretend to do to pass the time or just be silly.

it was a beautiful day here today so for part of the afternoon bob and i lounged in the pool on some floats, not necessarily something russ would have done but i found it extremely relaxing.

for dinner we had burgers on the grill, corn on the cob and kraft macaroni and cheese, definitely one of russ' favorites.

thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who posted on my blog, e-mailed me or called today. i am overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of you all and am truly touched and grateful. i definitely felt the love and support of you all.

flinty, you are now in my thoughts and prayers.

anticipation

this week approaching is one i have dreaded for the past year. yet it is also one that i have wished would come and go months ago. but one thing i have learned through this journey after alzheimer's is that you can't ignore or deny your feelings. you can't go around them either but must travel through them, no matter how painful that might be.

a few months ago i was finally feeling like i was able to get a good night's sleep again and wake up feeling refreshed and rested. these past two weeks i have returned to my restless interrupted sleep cycle. bob has noticed it. i feel bad because i'm sure with all my tossing and turning he is not getting his well deserved sleep.

it is no secret to me as to the reason. in less than a week will mark the 1 year anniversary since russ died. i have found myself these past few weeks re-reading my previous entries from a year ago and reliving his final days again. i know in my heart that he is in a better place but i still miss russ. lori has said it best when she said, it's not about them, it's about me and how i feel and grieve for him.

i am also finding myself reflecting on this past year and what i have done with my life. the first half year i took off to regroup you might say and then begin a job search. these past 6 months i returned to the job force but can't say i really feel fulfilled. it is just a job. i am searching again like i did a year ago to find myself and my purpose. what do i want to do with my life? what will make me happy yet help others? i want to find a job that feels rewarding to me and one that i am making a difference in people's life. kinda like i guess i felt taking care of russ.

these feelings i am experiencing are nothing that others haven't felt before me and that millions of others will feel after me. i will get through it i know and be a stronger person for it. i know i have God at my side and He will carry me through.