time to end

as some have done before me, and others will after me, i think the time has come to stop blogging, at least on this blog.

this blog was a life line to me during a very painful time in my life and i honestly don't know how i would have survived without this blog and all the wonderful friends i met and the love and support i received from all of you.

in just 2 weeks it will be the third anniversary of gene's death. from that day forward, my life drastically changed forever, and my new life with caring for a parent with AD began. but that stage too ended 16 months ago. life does go on, and it's time for me to really focus on the future.

i, like others, will continue to check in with everyone as i have been doing. but to be honest, the frequency of my posts have drastically decreased over time so it's time. i had thought about it when lori and flinty stopped but now something is telling me that it is really time now. i can't quite bring myself to delete my blog so it will remain up. maybe someone will come across it who can find some answers or get some help from reading it.

again, the bond that was formed with all of you will never be forgotten or broken. i love you all and wish you nothing but peace, love, strength, health and happiness; today and always. God bless us all!

p.s. rabbit rabbit.

december

this has been a strange month. before the first week of december had ended i expreienced 3 snowstorms in wisconsin. for the past week i have been in florida, and i might add, i hated the thought of coming home. bob attended the national pharmacy convention and i tagged along. only i didn't go to the meetings with him but rather vegged out by the pool and read. it was wonderful, and very relaxing, and something i really think i needed. it gave me a good chance to think and reflect on my life and even with the tough times i've had, how blessed i really am. and it made me realize i am even more motivated to try and find a different job in nursing that makes me feel fulfilled and one in which i'm truly helping others.

the weather was wonderful, high 60's when we arrived, the next 2 days in the mid 70's and the last 3 days in the low 80's. such a change from what i had just left. i must admit though, for a girl who has grown up in the midwest with snow, it was a little surreal for me to listen to Christmas carols as i was laying out by the pool in a lounge chair! something didn't quite compute...

but alas, realtity set in and i had to return to reality and my real life yesterday. i am now back in wisconsin where we are suppose to get another snowfall by morning. i must admit though, it does look like Christmas here. yesterday and today i spent decorating. i have never waited this late to start but with thanksgiving being late and then between work and trying to get ready to go to florida, it just didn't happen before i left. so, yesterday i started. today bob and i went out and cut down a Christmas tree, brought it home and decorated it so it looks like Christmas inside as well. i decided to cut back on the inside decorations again. the last 2 years i haven't gotten everything out and it makes the putting away easier. my boys are older now, not home for that long to enjoy it all and to be honest, they haven't really noticed that i've forgotten a few things each year. i'm not sure bob has either so.....

don't

don't tell me that you understand,
don't tell me that you know...
don't tell me that i will surely survive,
how i will surely grow...

don't tell me this is just a test,
that i am truly blessed...
that i am chosen for the task,
apart from all the rest...

don't come at me with answers,
that can only come from me...
don't tell me how my grief will pass,
that i will soon be free...

don't stand in pious judgment,
of the bonds that i must untie...
don't tell me how to suffer,
and don't tell me how to cry....

my life is filled with selfishness,
my pain is all i see...
but i need you, i need your love,
unconditionally....

accept me in my up's and down's,
i need someone to share....
just hold my hand and let me cry,
and say, my friend, i care...

author unknown


i had received this the same time i did the "please" i posted previously.

please

please don't ask me if i'm over it yet. i'll never be "over it."

please don't tell me he/she is in a better place. he/she isn't here.

please don't say "at least he/she isn't suffering." i haven't come to terms with why he/she had to suffer at all.

please don't tell me you know how i feel, unless you have lost someone to ________.

please don't tell me to get on with my life. i'm still here, you'll notice.

please don't ask me if i feel better. bereavement isn't a conditions that "clears up."

please don't tell me "God never makes a mistake" or "it was God's will." you mean He did this on purpose?"

please don't tell me "at least you had him/her for ______years/months." what year would you choose for them to die?

please don't tell me God never gives you more than you can bear. who decides how much another person can bear?

PLEASE - just say you are sorry.

PLEASE - just say you remember him/her if you do.

PLEASE - just let me talk if i want to

PLEASE - just let me say his/her name without turning away or changing the subject.

PLEASE - let me cry when i must.


i was recently given a copy of this, and thought it was worth sharing.

fall and birthdays

/DCfall08_20081004_0014.jpg">

fall has always been one of my favorites times of the year. fall and summer run a close race for first. growing up the beginning of october was a special time as gene, russ and i would always share our birthdays together. and who doesn't love the beauty of watching the colors change on the trees and the cool crisp autumn breeze blowing across your face.

this year was a little tougher for me than i anticipated. it happened again, getting caught off guard when i least expected it. this was not the first year to celebrate my birthday alone yet i felt more alone this year than last. maybe i was still in shock last year as it was so close to russ death? maybe it just took me off guard and i wasn't prepared for it.

bob and i went up to door county for my birthday weekend 2 weekends ago. i have spent the majority of my adult birthdays up there so i wanted this year to be no different. the colors were just starting to change and driving around we were able to find some wonderful color. our boys and my sister and nieces called me to wish me a happy birthday which was nice yet somewhat expected. what wasn't was that unk and russ' sister helen also called. and i received an e-mail from gene and russ' close friends pete and janet. that meant a lot. maybe they knew deep down that i needed an extra boost that day. it sure helped. thank you all.

but i still have a family to celebrate october birthdays with, the dates just not as close together. next week bob has a birthday and today is mark's 21st! wow, how did my baby grow up so fast!?! i can't be getting older.... tonight we will drive to madison and take him out on the town. i know for a fact that he has been "indulging" before at school so this will not be his first. i called him last night at midnight and could hardly hear him, i think the celebration had officially started. but tonight will be special and fun. matt will join us as well as some of his cousins. i remember when matt turned 21 not quite two years ago. i was not able to partake in the celebration at the time due to caregiving commitments so i plan to definitely raise a glass tonight for both boys.


happy birthday mark!! i love you and am so proud of the young man you have become. i know there will be glass raising up above tonight as well!

1 year......

these flowers arrived today for me from russ' grandchildren. my sister also received some. we are very blessed.




the day i have dreaded has almost come to an end. it was ok and i did ok. understandably russ was on my mind most of the day. i did tear up a little bit a few times today but for the most part i tried to remember the good and fun times. russ would have wanted it that way.

this morning i went to menard's (like a lowe's or home depot) with bob. he looked at me funny when i asked but russ always loved going to stores like that. i spent my time going up and down the aisles pretending to kick a football. that was something russ and i used to pretend to do to pass the time or just be silly.

it was a beautiful day here today so for part of the afternoon bob and i lounged in the pool on some floats, not necessarily something russ would have done but i found it extremely relaxing.

for dinner we had burgers on the grill, corn on the cob and kraft macaroni and cheese, definitely one of russ' favorites.

thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who posted on my blog, e-mailed me or called today. i am overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of you all and am truly touched and grateful. i definitely felt the love and support of you all.

flinty, you are now in my thoughts and prayers.

anticipation

this week approaching is one i have dreaded for the past year. yet it is also one that i have wished would come and go months ago. but one thing i have learned through this journey after alzheimer's is that you can't ignore or deny your feelings. you can't go around them either but must travel through them, no matter how painful that might be.

a few months ago i was finally feeling like i was able to get a good night's sleep again and wake up feeling refreshed and rested. these past two weeks i have returned to my restless interrupted sleep cycle. bob has noticed it. i feel bad because i'm sure with all my tossing and turning he is not getting his well deserved sleep.

it is no secret to me as to the reason. in less than a week will mark the 1 year anniversary since russ died. i have found myself these past few weeks re-reading my previous entries from a year ago and reliving his final days again. i know in my heart that he is in a better place but i still miss russ. lori has said it best when she said, it's not about them, it's about me and how i feel and grieve for him.

i am also finding myself reflecting on this past year and what i have done with my life. the first half year i took off to regroup you might say and then begin a job search. these past 6 months i returned to the job force but can't say i really feel fulfilled. it is just a job. i am searching again like i did a year ago to find myself and my purpose. what do i want to do with my life? what will make me happy yet help others? i want to find a job that feels rewarding to me and one that i am making a difference in people's life. kinda like i guess i felt taking care of russ.

these feelings i am experiencing are nothing that others haven't felt before me and that millions of others will feel after me. i will get through it i know and be a stronger person for it. i know i have God at my side and He will carry me through.